My baby boy is 3!

I fought so hard for Caleb. I planned the kind of birth I felt would be best for him, and because of my choices I endured many raised eyebrows and questions that doubled as insults. I don’t even pretend to know what was said when I wasn’t around. I think what many people didn’t know was the extent to which my whole heart was in Caleb’s birth plans. Sarah’s birth destroyed me—ruthlessly, unmercifully annihilated anything that I had ever been, and Sarah suffered for that. Still suffers for that, though it is a work in progress. I was not going to just lie down and let that happen to Caleb. I just wasn’t.

What people probably thought was that I was sectioned by a doctor in a hospital so I just wasn’t going to see a doctor or go into a hospital for Caleb’s birth. That wasn’t true. As John can attest, I read books, researched on the internet, spoke with people both online and in person, until the only words that came from my mouth were pregnancy and birth related. My plans for Caleb’s safe birth were all-consuming. I even had a consultation with a perinatologist at the hospital who told me, outright, that my best chances at a VBAC were at home. We hired a wonderful midwife with decades of experience and over a thousand births under her belt.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not want what some homebirth opponents call a “spa birth”. I wasn’t planning to give birth in a dim, candle-lit room with soft music in the background. I had no illusions of an easy, pain-free birth. I had every thought and expectation that it would be the most painful, scary, intense thing I had ever done. And that it would be safe.

I knew from very personal, very recent experience that the thing we call “birth” doesn’t always go as planned and can sometimes have a tragic end. Just 8 weeks before Caleb was conceived one of my sisters lost her son at 38 weeks. She wasn’t even in labor. He just…died. I was the one with her when the doctor told her. Mine were the first hands she desperately squeezed. My arms were the first to support her. My eyes were the first to see her tears. I saw her heart split right open and I’ll never, ever forget the enormity of the black grief that flowed out. But, all the hospital-birth-planning in the world wouldn’t have saved my little nephew. Babies die all the time in hospitals. If it was the Lord’s will for my baby boy to die in birth, it would happen whether or not we were in a hospital. In my opinion, a peaceful death is as important as a peaceful birth.

I really can see Jesus in Caleb. I look at him and marvel, “this is what Jesus must have been like at age 1, at age 2, at age 3”. What a blessing He must have been to His mother! If Sarah challenges and blesses me intellectually, Caleb challenges and blesses me emotionally. I look at him and just melt. He is so kind and tender-hearted! There’s a story in the Bible about two women who bring a baby to the king, both claiming it’s her baby. The king tells the women that since he can’t tell whose baby it is, he’ll have it cut in half and each woman may have half of the baby. The mother who spoke up and said, “no, don’t cut him in half. Give him to her” was the woman the king decided must be the baby’s mother. I did something similar with Sarah and Caleb when they were fighting over who would get to play with “baby Anna”. Before the words were even out of my mouth Sarah said, “I’ll take the top half”, but Caleb protested with a concerned look on his face, “No! It’s hurt her!”

He’s like the walking New Testament! He is patient and kind. He isn’t jealous, doesn’t brag and is not arrogant. He does not act unbecomingly, does not seek his own, isn’t easily provoked, doesn’t take into account a wrong suffered (and forgives nearly instantly!). He does not rejoice in unrighteousness (and if on rare occasion he does something he shouldn’t, he “tells” on himself immediately). My sweet little Caleb bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and (as Sarah Elizabeth is his sister) endures all things.

I can’t imagine my life without my little guy, and he and his birth have brought so much healing into my life. I am so grateful for that in this Thanksgiving season.

What his name means-
Caleb: Faithful, Bold
Joshua: Jehovah saves
Amen, and amen.

Caleb's birth story

Caleb's birth video

This post is lovingly, gratefully dedicated to Vicki Taylor, L.M., C.P.M., without whom I would still be that scared little girl sitting in a corner crying over her scar.

You are not alone

I received a message this afternoon that read, in part,

I thought I was alone. I thought I wasn't supposed to feel this way.


No, mama, you're not alone. Your body wasn't made to birth from the abdomen. It wasn't made to be cut. Cry, rage, hurt, grieve! Something precious and irreplaceable was stolen from you and you have every right to feel "this way". The scar you can't see takes much longer to heal than the one you can see.

Whew!

Anna will be three months old on Monday. Wow! Where has the time gone? Where has my "baby" gone? I have to say that while I absolutely adore having a "normal" size baby, it sure does seem they grow up faster. At this point, Anna is as big as Sarah and Caleb were at 6 or 7 months old. She's so active! Last night I had a dream that she walked at 5 months old. Let's just hope that dream doesn't come to pass. Sarah walked at 9 months and Caleb walked at 16 months. With two other children in the house I think I'd rather she took Caleb's path!

She's also teething now, and exhibiting teething "behavior" that neither Sarah nor Caleb did. She's drooling buckets and chewing on her hands. She'll even quit nursing, pull off the nipple, and put her fist in her mouth to chew on. Strange. I guess I'd rather she chew on her hand than my breast! Caleb got his first tooth at 7 months and Sarah was almost 13 months. I guess I was kind of hoping Anna would follow after her sister in teething!

I still can't believe what a breeze nursing has been for us. After two failed attempts, I thought something was wrong with me. But after Anna's amazingly quick, simple birth and not being high or hooked up to anything, it just seemed natural to nurse her. I pushed her out, she was handed to me, I put her to the breast and there she has stayed for the last three months!

Like my other two at this age, she has become markedly more "organized" in the last week. I never set any kind of schedule for her, just let her nap and nurse as she saw fit, but she has set for herself a fairly predictable routine now. During the day she has three naps: early morning, mid morning and early afternoon and she nurses approximately every hour and a half. At night she sleeps cuddled up next to my breasts and nurses (I think) once or twice. Neither of us really wakes up for night nursing.

Here are some pictures I'd like to share with you.

Isn't she pretty? I call her my "strawberries and cream" baby. Her skin is so milky white and her hair a pretty shade of auburn.

Anna nursing at the butterfly garden. Just after this photo was taken, a butterfly landed right on Anna's head and stayed for several minutes. Beautiful!

My family and me at a marriage conference recently



Anna nursing at the marriage conference



Anna and Sarah- sweet sisters!




Sarah and Anna- they're great friends already!

Anna and me at the children's museum

Forecast: Partly Sunny

So, today's the big day! My husband came down to get the children and me and we're all going to be a family again in Georgia. I feel like I can finally exhale.

Last Tuesday I had my six week postpartum visit with the midwife. It was really hard. Anna nursed through the whole exam and the midwife and I cried as we hugged and said goodbye. My body hardly bears any traces of a pregnancy now, and I weigh almost 40lbs less than when I first became pregnant.

Also, it looks like we're "getting out of Dodge" just in time! See this picture? Pensacola is right there inside that "circle of possibility" and the weather channel has just issued a tropical storm warning for Pensacola.

FYI: Yesterday Pensacola celebrated the 450th anniversary of the settlement of Pensacola (1559). It was, however, wiped from the map by a hurricane.

Birth- days

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child must work for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay.

I read this poem with a mind towards my children's births. My cesarean and failed home birth attempt were both on Wednesday nights. My first unmedicated, incredible, birth was early Sunday morning.

As far as the children themselves, I wouldn't say that Sarah and Caleb are "full of woe", but Anna is most certainly "fair and wise and good and gay"!

Something old and something new

Dh's cousin made it! A healthy 7lb, 5 oz little boy born after 19 hours of (induced) labor. Baby is great and mommy is very pleased with the birth.


Now, here's my Anna first thing this morning. She's smiling so much now I just had to get it on "film".

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

U-G-H!

Oh boy, here we go again! Why is it that whenever I give birth, one of dh's cousins has a section 4-5 weeks later??

The cousin went to her 39 or 40 week appointment today and the doctor told her that her water had broken two days ago (how he knew exactly when it broke is beyond me). So, of course, she was sent directly to the hospital to be induced. A few problems I see with this:

1. Her baby is obviously not ready to be born yet. She's just 40 weeks and is not having contractions.

2. She looks like she's having a 9+ lb baby.

3. It's her first baby.

I sure hope I'm wrong, but it looks like she's headed on a trip down Cesarean Lane. Ugh.

Hyperemesis Poem

I’m getting it out I’m getting it out
Rage, scream, cry, tear, punch, shout
I need you to see
Oh, just need you to see
This isn’t the way it was supposed to be
the way—
I wanted
it
to be
The howls, my bowels the vomit and pain
My face in the toilet again and again
Food in and food out and when it was through
Up came my insides, and—
nobody knew
Locked in my house, crushed on the floor
Still up, up it came more—more!
Why didn’t they come
there was no rescue
there was just me and the floor and the bile
and yet you
did nothing
my misery, my torture I—
broken, weak helpless
No one could have cared—
less
And then they cut me

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily Part 3

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27


As soon as I got in her car my sister began to time my contractions. When I was quiet for a moment and she'd ask, "are you having a contraction?" "yes", I'd say. "well that one was only 3 minutes after the last one." Again, she'd say, "are you having a contraction?" "yes," I'd say. "well, that one was only 2 minutes after the last one!" Even though I was sitting there perfectly calm and happy, I think she was very worried I was going to give birth in her car. [Later, our grandmother would tell her, "well that's what you get for picking up a 9 month pregnant woman on the side of the road in the middle of the night"] Though I'd brought my bag with me, "just in case", I decided to leave it in the car because "I don't think I'll be staying" (which became my mantra until I was pushing). We entered through the ER and when the lady at the desk asked how she could help us I stood there, calmly, and stuttered, "um, well, I'm pregnant and I... I'm having contractions, but I wanted to know if I was maybe in labor. You know I. . . just wanted to, uh, see."


When I got up to labor and delivery, the nurse showed me to an L&D room instead of the triage room. It hadn't dawned on me until I was in the bathroom changing my clothes that I was in a labor room. I called out to my sister, "I wish they hadn't put me here just to be checked. I'll be going home and then they'll have to fix the room back up!" It took me about twenty minutes to change my clothes in the bathroom because I kept having what I was still calling "braxton hicks contractions". The nurse checked me while my sister and I were chatting. I said to her, "well, if I'm not at least 4 or 5 cm then I think I'll just go home." The nurse looked at me with big eyes and my sister finally thought to ask, "how far along is she?" "7cm!" the nurse yelled as she headed out of the door. Apparently there's a lot to be done to prepare for a baby to be born in the hospital and I hadn't been polite enough to give much advance warning :) My sister and I got on the phone and called everyone who was planning to be there, including my poor husband who had to wake from a deep sleep, pack up 4 year old and 2 year old, drop 2 year old off with my mother-in-law and get himself and 4 year old down the hospital before I gave birth.

The nurse and the midwife, and my sister (who had given birth the summer before) were all standing around me, amazed that I seemed to be in little or no pain (just "discomfort") during what looked on the monitor to be very strong contractions. The nurse said to me, "The nurses at the desk asked about you and I told them I thought you were probably in labor, but that you couldn't be very far along. I sure was wrong!" About this time I thought to ask my nurse her name and when she replied "Faith", I was sure the Lord was with us that night. My midwife was going to examine me, but said she'd wait until my husband arrived because baby's head was right there, and she was afraid my water would break and baby would "fall out".

So finally everyone arrived and the midwife checked me and said, "you're 9cm. do you want me to break your water?" I didn't really know what to say, still not feeling like I was in labor [how's that for denial? I'm told I'm 9cm dilated and I still convince myself I might be going home!] and sure I'd be sent home any minute. "I'm not sure. What would we do then?" "Have a baby," the midwife laughed. So, I was still sitting up in bed feeling absolutely wonderful and I answered, "sure!" Big mistake :) She broke my water and I practically LAUNCHED myself out of bed, draping myself over the birth ball that I ordered be put on the bed, and began bellowing and rocking through constant, intense contractions. (note to self: allow baby to be born "in the caul" next time if necessary. Laboring after your water has broken SUCKS!) After awhile that didn't feel good anymore so I threw the ball off the bed and climbed up and got on my hands and knees, with my head resting on the head of the bed.


I don't think I was there very long before I had a contraction and it felt like a freight train was going through my body and I let out a kind of involuntary roar (something like oooohhhAAAAAAAHHHHHAAARRRGGHH!) and my body began to push. I heard the nurse tell the midwife, "she's pushing", and I remember thinking that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. I wasn't pushing, my body had taken over this show and I was just barely hanging on for the ride! Here's another place the Lord was really working in this birth. I was scared of pushing, and so He allowed me not only to not be directed in "purple pushing", but I don't think I pushed a single time. My body did everything itself. So the midwife told me not to push, she needed to check me. I tried not to push, but don't think I ever succeeded. She told me several times not to push, "Don't push, Becky. I'm not going to let you tear" (I had a 2nd degree tear last time so that was a fear of mine). I tried to pant, blow, nothing worked. I'm pretty sure at one point I was even begging "oooooze! oooooze!" at the top of my lungs.The midwife calmly (and I think she sounded a bit amused, too) asked, "so, are we delivering on hands and knees?" I was incapable of making any decision now and I just kept saying, "I don't know... I don't know..." So she just got ready for Anna to come and I stayed on my hands and knees.

The whole time I was pushing ("whole time") I was thinking to myself, "I wonder if it's too late to get an epidural?" It was sort of a scary experience for me- pushing. I think that's the main reason I felt pain when pushing, unlike with the "non pushing" contractions. Do I regret feeling that pain though? Absolutely not, and I'm even thankful for it. Though I was scared, I wasn't terrified. Though I felt pain, I wasn't suffering. I felt strong through that pain, as if my pushing "noises" were roaring sounds. I was listening to, and working with, my body and I felt the Lord's hand on Anna and me. The best way I can describe it is that it felt as if I was being pulled out in a massive undertow, drowning, but knowing all along that I was going to be saved. There existed in my mind both intense panic but constant peace.


After she was born I didn't immediately turn around to face everyone. I rested my head on the head of the bed and asked if they were sure she was a girl (I'd felt she was, and the ultrasound said she was, but I had an eager 4year old daughter in the room who was expecting to have a sister and I wanted to make sure I'd "delivered", as it were). Then I said I wanted to turn around. The placenta hadn't been delivered yet and her cord was still attached and pulsing, so the midwife handed Anna to John and she helped me maneuver my legs around the cord and turn to face my beautiful Anna. I'll admit that the first thing I thought to myself as I looked her over was, "oh no. I hope she's at least six pounds!" She didn't look very big, but was just 3oz shy of 8lbs, praise the Lord! I'd finally grown a normal size baby! Everyone in the room was shocked when her weight was read. Everyone knows that Becky has small babies.

It took about 20 minutes before I was ready to deliver the placenta. That was very uncomfortable. The midwife didn't pull on the cord, even a little. She just waited until my body began pushing again. It felt really strange, and I had a small hemorrhage. I heard the nurse whisper to the midwife, asking her if she should give me a shot of pitocin. The midwife said she didn't think it was too bad, but had the nurse apply some pretty "firm" (ha!) fundal pressure and I brought Anna to the breast to begin nursing. I also called my husband over to say a small prayer. After the bleeding had mostly stopped I was helped out of bed to change clothes. I was very dizzy, short of breath, and couldn't even catch my breath well enough to speak. That passed quickly, though, and the next morning I was offered a discharge just over 24 hours after Anna was born.


At 4:49a.m. (just an hour and a half after entering the hospital) Anna Lily was born, weighing almost 8lbs and I didn't tear. I pushed for only about 4 minutes. I pushed and delivered on my hands and knees, with no medication, and not even an iv. I think it's about the best hospital birth I could have hoped for and it was an amazing experience!

I am also happy to report that Anna began nursing in the delivery room and has hardly stopped since!


Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily Part Two

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27



It was very difficult living without my husband all those months. I was very ill, suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum for the second time in my life. At my lowest point I was hospitalized for a week, having lost 25 lbs at 13 weeks. In the hospital I was given three very strong nausea medications in my iv, and when I was discharged I was given a prescription for one of them, Zofran, which is a drug commonly given to chemotherapy patients to help combat their nausea. My husband and I were uncomfortable with me taking the medicine though. We knew it couldn't be good for baby Anna and we wanted to just trust the Lord to allow me not to need it. We prayed, and less than a week after leaving the hospital I was able to make it through the day, keeping food and water down without the medicine.


Because I was a VBAC mother, I was required by the practice to have a consultation with one of their obstetricians. The premise of this "consultation" is for the obstetrician to make sure I understand the risks and benefits of both a VBAC and an elective repeat cesarean. It really was a joke though. He only discussed the risks of a VBAC and the benefits of the elective repeat cesarean. Then, he said to me, "well, we can try a VBAC if you really want to, but you only have a 50% chance of it being successful." I reminded him that I'd already had a successful VBAC, and my husband told him we were Christians and that we were trusting the Lord for a safe VBAC. After that the doctor didn't have much to say. He signed my consultation form and left the room.


[Now, since we're almost to Anna's birth, I want to share with you everything we'd prayed for the birth. I have a history of small for gestational age babies. My first was 3lbs 10oz at 37 weeks and my second was 5lbs 2oz at 41 weeks. It seemed I just couldn't grow a "normal size" baby. We prayed that Anna would be a good, normal, healthy weight at birth. I struggled with having faith in this throughout my pregnancy. It didn't help when people would tell me that I didn't even look pregnant, or that I "looked so good" (when what they meant was I looked so small). "Where's the baby", people would ask. With each of those comments my faith was weakened a little bit more. I was thankful to have my husband's faith to carry me.


Since Caleb's birth was so long and exhausting, we prayed for a quick, easy birth with Anna. My husband even said he didn't mind if it was so fast we didn't have time to get to the hospital first.


We prayed for a painless labor. We'd read the book Supernatural Childbirth and we knew that with the Lord, all things are possible.


I had a painful second degree tear when Caleb was born (all 5lbs of him). We prayed that I wouldn't have any tearing with Anna.

I also have a history of "failed" breastfeeding attempts. We prayed that baby Anna and I would have no trouble breastfeeding, right from the start.


Then there was my birth plan. I didn't want an iv or an epidural. I wanted to be up and moving. I wanted to be free to push on my hands and knees. I didn't want to be guided in "purple pushing" (I wanted to push when I felt the urge, for as long as I felt I needed to). I didn't want Anna's cord cut until it stopped pulsing. I wanted to hold her for awhile before she was taken from me to be weighed and measured. I had this list written out, but never talked with the midwife about it. I was afraid she wouldn't be agreeable, and I just wasn't up for the "fight". Thankfully, the Lord was!]


On Saturday, June 27th I felt the need to get my hair cut. It had grown very long and I don't like to have long hair and a baby at the same time. My husband, the children and I went to his friend's hair salon for my haircut. We stayed and visited for awhile, then decided to visit some other friends who lived in the area. There, I was served a wonderful meal of fresh, homegrown tomatoes with salt and steamed, homegrown squash and onions. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be my last "meal" before Anna was born. We were very late getting home. I think it was 11 o'clock. My husband put the children to bed and then he went to bed. I tried lying down for awhile, but I was having contractions that were uncomfortable if I was lying down, but I could hardly notice them if I was sitting up.


So, 4 days past Anna Lily's due date, I was up at 2 am chatting on facebook with one of my sisters. I had been timing what seemed to me like "braxton hicks" contractions (have you tried contractionmaster.com? it's great!) and just mentioned to my sister that they seemed to average at about 4 minutes apart, but I wasn't sure. "They just don't hurt", I told my sister. Since my husband and the kids and I didn't get in until late that night and I felt bad about dragging them all down to the hospital for a false alarm, so my sister offered to drive me down to Baptist "just to get checked." I told her I wanted to take a bath first, and shave my legs. What I had hoped would be a nice, relaxing bath that would, of course, help these "braxton hicks contractions" subside, turned into a fiasco. Sitting in the tub, I couldn't reach my legs that well to shave them. I did the best I could, shaving almost to my knees, and then determined to lie back and soak for awhile. Nope. Then I see a huge palmetto bug crawling on the shower tile. Ordinarily I'm scared to death of these flying monsters, but I was not going to let a bug ruin my relaxing bath. Or, was I? I got a large envelope and a clear cup from the kitchen and chased that awful bug all around the bathroom.



I never did catch him. I put the cup and the envelope down and got dressed. I decided to take my bag with me, but I was sure I wouldn't need it. "I'm not going to stay", I'd convinced myself. I had my sister pick me up on the street with her headlights off because I didn't want to wake my husband or the children.

click here for part three

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily Part One

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27


Oh, where to begin! As with my other two birth stories, I feel they really "began" at the beginning of the pregnancy. However, I feel that Anna's story may begin much earlier- before she was even conceived.

If you've read Caleb's birth story, then you know his birth was a "failed" homebirth attempt with a transfer to the hospital, but a successful (if not ideal) VBAC. Though I had given birth to him, pushed him into this world with my own strength, I felt that his birth resembled too closely my c-section. I couldn't feel him emerge from my body (epidural), he was "clean" and tightly wrapped by the time I got to hold him, I was drugged and hooked up to all sorts of machines, and had a significant number of stitches (from a nasty second degree tear).

At first I was simply elated to have had a VBAC. However, as I began to recover and the realities of Caleb's birth set in, I began to feel restless. I felt "cheated", somehow, and desperately wanted a do-over. Instead of seeking the Lord's timing for the birth of a new baby, I sought my own timing and conceived a child just four months after giving birth. How wonderful, I thought, to be given another child so soon! This new baby, we called him "baby Mac", was not meant to stay with us though. I lost baby Mac 8 weeks into my pregnancy, just a few days before Mother's Day.

It took my body a long time to recover from losing the baby. It took my heart even longer. The way things were, I didn't think I was able to conceive children anymore. My husband and I decided that our family was probably complete and we quit trying to conceive by our own "works". The Lord had His own plans though, and Miss Anna came into our lives quite unexpectedly.

Shortly before I became pregnant with Anna, my husband and I moved from Florida to Georgia. When I discovered our wonderful surprise baby I began looking into my birth options in the area. Sadly (and shamefully)I found that to have a homebirth with a midwife I'd have to do it "illegally", and none of the midwives I spoke with felt comfortable attending a birth with me. I also found that some of the hospitals had VBAC bans, most of the obstetricians in the area no longer attended VBACs, and those that would theoretically attend a VBAC only delivered at hospitals with VBAC bans. My "choices" (and what kind of choice is it, really, when it's forced upon you?)became to sign up for a repeat cesarean (even though I'd already HAD a VBAC!), enter into care with an OB and show up at the hospital and refuse a cesarean (who wants to fight when they're in labor?), or have an unassisted birth.

I didn't like any of the choices, so my husband and I decided that the children and I would move back to Florida for the duration of the pregnancy and seek out our options there. We ended up deciding on a hospital birth with a Certified Nurse Midwife. I still wasn't comfortable with the idea of giving birth in the hospital. Afterall, if Caleb's birth had begun in the hospital I never would have had a VBAC. Hospitals just don't "do" the kind of labor I had with Caleb. My husband prayed with me throughout my pregnancy, though, that the Lord would protect me through the labor and birth. We even read a book that was recommend to us about painless childbirth, and so we were trusting the Lord for that as well.

click here for part two

Two Weeks Already?

Wow, I can't believe it's been two weeks since I gave birth to Anna Lily. She's two weeks old already? I'm so proud that she hasn't had any formula in her (entire) life, no bottles or artificial nipples of any kind. That's a huge triumph for us!

She was also born too big for the newborn size diapers and too big for Sarah and Caleb's old preemie and newborn size clothing. That amazes my husband and me. Anna Lily is such a sweet little baby.

People ask me if she "fusses" a lot and I tell them I don't really know, because if she ever seems less than happy I just put her to the breast. Of course, everyone tells me I'm nursing her too much and that she's too dependant on me. Really? A newborn who is dependent on its mother?

She also makes nighttime parenting a breeze! She nurses around 10:30pm, then sleeps until sometime in the midnight hour, and then sleeps until sometime between 3-4 a.m. Neither of us wakes fully for her nighttime feeds and we sleep together, facing each other, so she can nurse while I lie down. How easy is that?? Thanks "baby Anna Lily"!

Anna's picture

Anna 24 hours old

Anna Lily is here!

Hi everybody!! Yes, Anna Lily is here :) She was born at 4:49 a.m. this morning after a very short 1 hour 49 minute labor with 4 minutes of pushing. I finally had a completely unmedicated delivery. When I arrived at the hospital I didn't even think I was in labor, but when the nurse checked me I was already 7cm. Then there was a flurry of activity, with everyone rushing around getting ready for Anna. My 4yo daughter was present for the birth and was mildly unimpressed. She wanted to help "catch" Anna and they got her some small gloves so she could, but she changed her mind at the last minute and was content to just stand at the "business end" and watch.

Anna weighed nearly 8lbs. What a triumph and blessing! Remember my other children's birthweights? 3.10 and 5.2! I pushed (roared, more like it) on my hands and knees. I had no idea that the so-called "urge to push" was actually a freight train running through your body that doesn't give you a CHOICE about whether or not to push. I was told several times not to push, which seemed at the time like the most absurd request I'd ever heard. There was no stopping and starting. My body owned the process and I was just along for the ride.
It truly was amazing! Labor didn't hurt, pushing was lots of pain. I really don't even feel like I've just had a baby. Oh, and she's an amazing little nursling!

A wild call and a clear call that may not be denied

I'm in labor! I don't know how long it will last. My last labor was a few days long, so please don't worry if you don't hear anything from me for a few days. For those of you following me on FaceBook, I'll try to update more frequently on there. Meanwhile, here is a poem I think describes labor and birth beautifully (even though it's not written about labor) and also a link to the song I've chosen for Anna's birth photo montage. I'll see you "on the other side"!

Sea Fever

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

By John Masefield (1878-1967).

Click HERE to hear Anna's song

Tired. . . tired. . .

Can someone please explain to me why it's so EASY for a woman to have an abortion but so HARD for her to have a VBAC?!

It's such a hard fight. It's even harder when you're so pregnant and tired. I'm just... tired. Is that their plan? Wear us down then cut us?

Some "land of the free". I think our "forefathers" would vomit.

MIA

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm nearly 36 weeks pregnant and I feel like I'm 10,000 weeks pregnant! This week will be very busy. We're making our preparations for our temporary move to "baby Anna's" birth town. I have very little energy and a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old.

Has is really been that long since my c-section? Since my VBAC? Wow. . .

Our birth plans are not perfect. Not ideal. I am, however, at peace with our decisions. That's all I could ask of any birth plan. The midwife rolled her eyes when I told her what the VBAC consult doctor told me about only having a 50% chance of a VBAC. She rolls her eyes at much of what the doctor's say and do. She told me that the pain I still have in my perineum from a 2nd degree tear 2.5 years ago is probably because the doctor put in too many stitches.

That's all I can muster right now. I'll be 37 weeks a week from Wednesday (June 3rd), but I have no illusions Anna will come then. Sarah was taken at 37 weeks 1 day, but Caleb was born at 41 weeks.

The woods are lovely
dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep

This is going to get UGLY!

You'd better stand back because this is going to bet ugly!


On Monday I had my dreaded "VBAC consultation" with an obstetrician. I wasn't looking forward to this meeting for several reasons:

1. It seems ridiculous to me to require a woman to have to sign a form stating that she would like to be "allowed" to use her vagina for one of its intended purposes
2. I knew that the consultation would center around the doctor looking over my birth history and then HE would decide if I was a good candidate for VBAC
3. I had a surgical birth for reasons not likely to recur
4. I've ALREADY HAD a VBAC!
5. I have already signed a form stating I understand the risks and benefits of VBAC and cesarean

Overall, the consultation went just as I'd expected. The doctor first asked me if I was having a repeat cesarean or a VBAC (obviously he didn't know I'm seeing the midwife, who is not a surgeon and cannot perform a c-section). Then, before he even examined my prior birth history, the doctor launched into a list of the benefits of a planned repeat cesarean and the risks of VBAC. Yes, it was a discussion of "risks vs benefits", but do you notice what's missing? There was absolutely NO discussion of the risks of repeat cesarean or the benefits of VBAC!

Finally the doctor looks over my birth history (because, don'tchaknow, a doctor has to deem a woman a "good candidate" for a "trial of labor"), and he noticed my children's birth weights (3lbs 10oz at 37 weeks and 5lbs 2 oz at 41 weeks). Then, he dropped a bombshell:

"Well, we can let you try a VBAC if you want to, but I don't really see
it happening. Your other children were so small and this baby is going to be a
normal size. I give you a 50/50 chance. It's just not likely to happen."

WHAT?!?!?!?

First of all, there is no "we". You're not even my care provider, doc! I am giving birth. M-E. Not you. Second, you don't "let me" do anything. You give me the information I need to make an informed decision and then you stand back and let me decide. As far as "not really see[ing] it happening," oh you have no idea how I would adore dragging your butt out of bed and having you watch me push this baby out!

NOW, WHAT IN THE WORLD do you mean I can't give birth to a "normal-sized" baby? I've heard of doctors giving mothers the "big baby card" and the "dead baby card". I have even been given the "small baby card". No wonder the cesarean rate in this country is skyrocketing! You just can't please these doctors!! "You can't birth this baby because she's too small" and "you can't birth this baby because she's just the right size". A nation of schizophrenic obstetricians... and women simply line up to be strapped down--MADNESS!!!!

Now, dear doctor, here is my "VBAC consent form":

• I had a cesarean for reasons not likely to recur.
• I had a low, transverse incision with an uncomplicated physical recovery.
• It has been 4.5 years since my cesarean.
• I have had a subsequent vaginal birth (VBAC).
• I understand that, having had a successful vaginal birth, my risk for uterine rupture is less than 1%.
• I understand that the risks of a repeat cesarean include: death, hemorrhage, blood clots, injury to bladder, bowel, uterus, injury to baby, excessive blood loss and hysterectomy.

I declare myself an autonomous woman, of sound mind and body, and hereby state my decision to have a VBAC.

Signed,

VBACwarrior

Intermission

I won't be around for the next two weeks. We're moving (well, sort of. I'll explain later) and I won't have internet access for awhile. Hey, when I come back I'll be 32 weeks!

To Rixa and Michele, I hope I don't "miss" your births, but I'm afraid I might :( Happy birthing, mamas!

Catching Lizards

April is Cesarean Awareness month

Instead of talking about the shockingly high cesarean rates in the country, instead of bemoaning the multitude of risks that cesareans carry, instead of lauding the benefits of vaginal birth, I have decided to talk about my own personal contribution to "cesarean awareness".

In about ten weeks I will be giving birth to my third child, my second daughter. Though my first daughter didn't get the benefit of a vaginal birth, she has been blessed (and educated) by witnessing my labor with my second child and she will be present for my labor and birth with our new baby girl. We talk a lot about birth in our home. She has seen pictures and videos of women giving birth. She tries to "teach" her little brother about the birth process, and she has an amazing grasp of the process for a four-year-old. She knows that birth is hard and sometimes hurts but, she says, "so it catching lizards!"

I don't know how the "birth culture" in our home will affect my son's view of birth. My hope is that, should he marry a woman who grew up in the same "culture" as he did, he would be fully supportive of her trust in birth and approach it with the same trust.

I do have four sisters, as well, though I'm unsure what influence I've had on them. H hated her cesarean so much that she's decided she doesn't want anymore children. A was so damaged by her cesarean (physically) that she probably can't have anymore children. L gave birth, at age 15, to a 38 week stillborn baby and is scared to death of that repeating itself. No cause of death was ever found. That leaves B, who will be 17 in June, as witness to all these traumatic births of her older sisters. Of all my sisters, it's B I really want to be present for Anna's birth. She needs to see a normal, healthy, joyful birth.

There are wonderful organizations, like ICAN, working to change the birth culture in our country. There are many bloggers; mothers, OBs, midwives, childbirth educators, nurses. I love and admire the work they do and the difference they're making. However, it is so hard to change fears and attitudes in grown, child-bearing women. The fears are deeply rooted. The misinformation already wrapped up tightly in their minds.

Why don't we begin earlier? Give birth to a baby vaginally. Tell a two year old that a baby "comes out of mommy's vagina". Let your four year old tell you that birthing a baby is like catching lizards. Let a six year old witness birth. Let an eight year old hold your hand and kiss your face as you labor. Let a ten year old help catch a baby.

Let's bring our children up in a culture of trust and respect for birth and they will bring the birth machine down.

Shucked

This poem is part of my How I Got Here post on my sidebar, but I thought it deserved it's own "space" so now I'm giving it one.

Shucked

To think of myself as an animal

Led to the slaughter

Not really choosing

They stripped me

They shaved me

They shot me

Full of fear

So I'd be losing

All the feeling

But the feeling never goes

I heard 'oh you won't feel anything'

When I couldn't move my toes

First the needle

Then the knife

And they say that it's all right

They say I'll feel some tugging

But I don't, I just feel nothing

I was screened from my body

It's bloody

The baby, where's my baby

There's the baby

Could be anybody's baby

They take it away

And I'm left on the table

I want to be happy

But right now I'm not able

To see past the

blood

and the

light

And the

screen

Strapped to a table

The end of the dream

Gutted and cold

In pain and alone

Unable to speak, or to cry or

To moan

But the hate

And the anger

And the pain

Will subside

After I've grieved

After I've cried

I won't have the nightmares

Or wake with such fright

I'll think back and smile

On that terrible night

My wonderful baby

So tiny and pink

At that moment all I could

Think of was

my pain and

my fear

But what about you?

So cold and so scared

So little, so new

I look in your eyes

And I know what to do

I'll weep and

I'll mourn

Then I'll tuck it away

Doesn't mean it's not there

But I'll keep it at bay

So now when I think about how

My baby came into this world

I choose to think of myself as an oyster

And my beautiful baby,the pearl.

Disney World, hiding a baby and all's well

What a wonderful vacation! First I'd like to thank Disney for having the foresight to put changing tables in men's restrooms. I found out very quickly that my aching (then) 27 week back couldn't handle heaving a hefty 2 year old up onto changing tables that are way too high for this short mama. My husband was so nice to take over diaper duty for almost the entire vacation!





A small (or not so small) complaint, though. Did you know those awesome 'baby care centers' in each park are sponsored by Nestle Good Start? Ugh! Maybe LLL could look into sponsoring at least one of them? Would that offend anyone?





I don't have any actual "belly pics" this morning, but here's a picture of Sarah, Caleb, a bear and me outside of Animal Kingdom. That's my 27 week 3 day belly.


I had my 28 week appointment yesterday. Guess what? Anna and I are completely healthy! Surprising, huh? I think it shocks people these days when a pregnant woman doesn't have anything "wrong" with her. That's so sad! Blood pressure is low, urine is clear, fundal height is 28cm. Anna is very active and strong, much more so than my other two babies were. I didn't ask about her position, but I know she's vertex because I can feel her little bottom.

Confession time. Before a few weeks ago, I always thought pregnant women were babies when they complained of common pregnancy discomforts like heart burn, aching 'sagging' belly, sore feet, pain in the back, etc. Well, add me to the pregnant 'baby' club! I don't know if it's because this is my third pregnancy or because I finally have a "normal" size baby, but I'm feeling pregnant and I'm grumpy about it!

Four year old urges: "choose the better way"

Last week we took a family (2 year old, 4 year old, 27 week pregnant me and out-of-his-mind-to attempt-this husband) trip down to Disney World. It was an amazing trip, full of moments I'll never forget. I'm sure my feet will never forgive me, though!

One afternoon when Sarah and I were in a bathroom stall she saw my scar and asked if it still hurt. I told her that no, it doesn't hurt anymore. She asked if it hurt when the doctor cut me and I said it didn't because she gave me some "numbing medicine" first, but that when the medicine wore off it hurt a lot.

She thought about that for a moment and then asked, "which way hurt less: the way I was born or the way Kay-wub (Caleb) was born?" I told her that when she was born it didn't hurt at all because I was numb, but that later it hurt really bad, and when Caleb was born it hurt, but that as soon as he was out all of the pain went away.

She was quiet until after we both washed our hands and then she looked at me and said, "well, I think you should have baby Anna the better way, like Kay-wub. It hurts less." I laughed and told her I agreed.

Belly Picture!

I finally have my digital camera so I was able to take some pictures last night. Yes, there is a baby in there and she's quite healthy. I just hide her well!

24 weeks 3 days

Breastfeeding Book Giveaway!

Woman to Woman CBE is having a giveaway celebrating 100,000 hits to her blog! The book she's offering is a wonderful new breastfeeding book called Breastfeeding with Comfort and Joy: A Photographic Guide for Mom and Those Who Help Her, by Laura Keegan. Please visit these sites, enter for the giveaway and read more about the book! Good luck everyone!

INFURIATED! ! ! ! !

As you know, two (two?!) of my sisters had c-sections last summer. Sister A has never been "okay" with her section and now, unfortunately, she's dealing with even more complications.

Two months after her section her cycles returned, along with a familiar, though worse, pain. Her periods were always painful before she got pregnant due to severe endometriosis. So, at 2 months postpartum she just assumed that was the pain she was feeling.

However, two nights ago she woke to severe pain from her navel to her mid-thigh and went to the emergency room. They did a vaginal ultrasound and thought initially that she had 'pregnancies' both in her fallopian tube and also on the outside of her uterus.

Thankfully, after a more thorough evaluation, it was found that it wasn't a pregnancy (or pregnancies) at all. That's the good news. The bad news is that apparently she's had an infection in her uterus for the last five months.

Anyone care to guess how a healthy 22 year old woman gets a rampant infection in her uterus? A c-section?! No! But they're SO SAFE!

The doctor gave her a two week prescription for two strong antibiotics, but he wasn't very optimistic about her chances at avoiding having her uterus opened up again. Can you believe that? She's basically going to have to have ANOTHER c-section!

Oh, but there's more. The doctor also said that there is a chance she may lose her uterus if the infection can't be controlled with antibiotics and surgery.

A 22 year old losing her uterus due to cesarean complications.

But they're so safe. So, so safe. . .

When you cut me

When You Cut Me

I know. I understand—it’s your job
but it’s not my job
it’s my life, my baby, my body!
you went home that night to a warm home, a soft bed
and I was left on my back
in a cold room
with a hole in my soul abdomen
I’m not complaining about the job you did—
with your “cut rate” I believe you must be an expert now—
I’m complaining that you did the job

Did you know that when you cut me, I bled?
you cut a hole in my body and put your
hands inside
you didn’t ask may I move your bladder
may I touch your ovaries
may I take your baby

you took my baby!
You were the first woman to touch her
she was my first child and your bloody latex hands
were the first thing she felt
instead of me pushing, you pulled


When you cut me
I didn’t do anything!
I was just strapped to a table
a tube in my nose
my arm
my back
my—

then you just walked into the room
hidden behind your puke green screen
chatting with your colleagues
touching my body
cutting my skin

I was right there!
but you didn’t
see me
think about me
know me
did you ask if I was scared?
was I okay?
did I have any questions?
did I want to know what was happening?

I know.
I understand.
It’s your job.
When you cut me.

President (Elect) of ACNM

Holly Powell Kennedy, CNM, PhD, FACNM, FAAN

Candidate Statement Related to Office:I am a midwife passionately committed to the profession and the women it serves. If chosen as ACNM President (Elect) I will use my passion and leadership to place midwifery as a forerunner of women’s health care. Early in my career I discovered change comes from solution-based action – and to effect change I had to work “with” people to achieve collective agreement about the road forward. This has shaped my collaboration with all stakeholders in clinical practice, teaching, research, and leadership. The philosophy has served me as a midwife, family nurse practitioner, educator, scientist/researcher, military officer, policymaker/administrator, and leader. It has helped me be successful in numerous settings – tertiary, community, and military hospitals, health maintenance organizations, urban and rural heath centers, professional organizations, and US/European academic institutions. This breadth of experience has given me an exceptional skill set to work with people from diverse backgrounds, but who hold common goals with midwifery – the health of women and their families.

My career has heightened my awareness of the importance of local grassroots activism to assure legal mandates to support the profession and women’s health. Membership on local, national, and international committees and the RI Board of Midwifery has helped me understand the daunting obstacles midwives face. My commitment to local advocacy for midwifery and women’s health was recognized by the ACNM Regional Award of Excellence – an honor I hold dear because it came from my colleagues in the trenches with me.

One of my most important professional contributions is my research, which articulates and links the work of midwives to healthcare outcomes. As Chair of the ACNM Division of Research I helped forge a partnership with MANA to establish scientific evidence supportive of our work. As a 2008 Fulbright Distinguished Scholar I conducted research on England’s national commitment to normal birth. Those powerful lessons will be instrumental in my future leadership, teaching, practice, and research to address the challenges we face in the US.

As President (Elect) of the ACNM I will work on our proposed “Future Focus” goals with the ACNM Board and ask each ACNM member to join me in that effort: (a) create strategic communication detailing the value of midwifery care in the US and globally – we must systematically reverse the US culture of fear and ignorance to build public and political support of midwifery; (b) attend 20% of all births by 2020 – visibility through birth attendance is key to professional and economic survival; (c) full autonomy for CNMs/CMs in practice and equitable reimbursement – we must work together on local and national levels to change policy and laws; (d) 1000 new CNMs/CMs annually – every one of us must commit to our students. None of the goals are possible without a critical mass of midwives. The road forward requires political and personal savvy, enlistment of expertise and resources, and leadership. I believe I am prepared for the challenges I will face and through the spirit of cooperation we will have the momentum to assure women’s right to health care excellence led by midwives. I am honored to be a candidate for President (Elect) of the ACNM.

Now that is "change we can believe in"!

That One

On my first day of high school, my chorus teacher sat down in front of us and read us a story. It was a story, I forget the title, from the very first Chicken Soup for the Soul book. While I'm sure that there are many different versions of this story floating around out there, here is a summary of the version she read to us:

There was a woman walking on the beach one afternoon. As the tide pulled away from the shore it left thousands of starfish stranded on the sand. As far as the woman could see up and down the beach there were starfish. As she continued to walk down the beach she saw a man walking several yards in front of her. She watched as this man would take a step, bend down, pick up a starfish and hurl it back into the ocean. Another step, another bend, another starfish flung into the ocean. When the woman was close enough to the man to speak to him she asked him what he was doing. "If these starfish stay here on the sand they'll die. I'm throwing them back into the ocean," the man said. The woman replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. Throwing a few of them back into the ocean can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the man took a step, bent down, picked up a starfish and tossed it into the ocean. "Made a difference to that one."

Sometimes I get so frustrated. How do we change birth practices in this culture of fear? Doctors are afraid of lawsuits, women are afraid of normal birth and that harm may come to themselves or their babies. A few weeks ago a lady on a birth board I frequent posted a link to a beautiful unmedicated birth. Many of the comments to it were along the lines of yuck, gross, disgusting. How sad!

Another lady said she wanted to have an epidural because she was afraid of "losing control" in labor. She doesn't realize that by having that catheter in her back she gives up any control she ever had. She will be confined to bed, have a blood pressure cuff on one arm, tubes in the other, vaginal exams she can't feel and little control over pushing her baby out.

One poor lady said she hoped (hoped?!) to have a c-section because she was afraid of "tearing" and "being so exposed" during a vaginal birth. How ironic and tragic! Has no one told her that a surgical incision is worse than a tear? Does she not realize she will be exposed, at least for a time, from the chest down, and that her most feminine parts, her uterus and ovaries, will be exposed?

How? How do we change this? Sometimes it just seems so hopeless. Thousands, thousands, thousands of women lying stranded on the sand.

I am fortunate though. I have some hope for the future. I have one daughter (the one who was cut from me) and another daughter on the way (who will not be cut from me). They will grow up with a knowledge and respect for normal birth. They will see normal birth. They will know how babies are made and how they are birthed. My Sarah, 4 years old, can't wait to see "baby Anna" come out of my "fuh-jina". She delights in putting her hands together to form a "uterus", showing her two year old brother how it will contract, open, and "let baby Anna out to see us".

Made a difference to that one!

The Trouble with Repeat Cesareans

Time Magazine has an article about women being forced into having repeat cesareans. It's eye-opening and a fair portrayal of the reality. You can read the article here. I have some things to point out after reading it.

The last line of the piece quotes a doctor saying, "When the problems with multiple C-sections start to mount, we're going to look back and say, 'Oh, does anyone still know how to do VBAC?'"

What?! A doctor doesn't do a VBAC. A VBAC is simply a vaginal birth. Women do that. And we've known how to do it since Eve, thankyouverymuch.

I also want to point out the sobering numbers mentioned in the article. Of the hospitals with a labor and delivery unit, 28% of those have outright VBAC bans and 21% have de facto bans, meaning that though the hospital doesn't prohibit VBACs there are no doctors who will attend them. That's 49%! Almost half of the hospitals in this country force women into surgery. Half of them force women to allow their babies to be cut from their wombs. HALF--that's a large number.

Someone wrote on my facebook wall today, “I love the link that you posted about VBACs-- I would hate to be forced to have another operation”

See, a huge part of this problem is twofold: first, most women don’t realize that doctors are forcing mothers into operations and second, women don’t know they don’t have to be forced into surgery!

Mothers, it’s time we realize that we are not only consumers of Big Macs, Britax carseats, diapers and breast pumps. We are consumers in the health care industry as well! The control lies in our hands. We make the demands and call the shots, if we believe we do. Our mothers are the reason we are no longer knocked out and “delivered” of our babies by forceps. Let our daughters be the ones to say that their mothers are the reason they are no longer bullied into unnecessary, unwanted surgeries, tied to metal tables, drained of blood and motherhood.

I am pregnant, not pathology. Refuse to be a womb pod!