January 12, 2005
Life at our house is going to be very busy for the next several days so I'm going to post this a few days early. Saturday, January 12, 2008 is my daughter's third birthday. She has become such a precocious little firecracker. Gosh, I love her so much! So much. That's why it hurts me even more that each year her birthday is stained a bit by the horrible circumstances surrounding her entrance into the world. Below is her birth video (updated last night) and a letter to my scar.
Dear Scar,
We've been together now for 3 years. I have yet to touch you comfortably (physically and emotionally), but see and think of you often. I think you're hideous, and long. You invaded my body, I didn't want you, and now I'm stuck with you forever.
Most of the time I'm mad at you. I hate you. I hate what you stand for. I hate that you were the primary concern of the hospital staff, instead of my emotional health and comfort. No one cared about me. They cared about you. Then, when I came home from the hospital, no one wanted to see you. I think you scared them. No one wanted to see because whether they admit it or not, you symbolize a horribly violent, bloody, unnatural way for a baby to enter our world. You disgust me.
And yet... and yet your presence has also brought positive change to my life. I used to think of myself as a weak person. Now, after enduring all the physical and emotional pain you brought into my life, I know that I am very strong. I am strong for myself, for my husband and for my two sweet babies.
When I became pregnant with my second child, people began to think of you again. They said I should just have you opend up and have my baby taken out of my womb again. Why not?-they said. You already have the scar, just open it up again. No big deal.
I refused to give you that power over my body, my life and my baby. Not this time. Not ever again. My life will not be dictated by you, Scar.
You stand for all that is wrong with childbirth in this country today and I am ashamed that you are a part of my body.
Sincerely,
vbacwarrior
7 comments:
Happy Birthday to Sarah!!!
I am sorry this is how you feel about your scar. It really struck me. I think I am able to look at my scar without anger because I know my c-section was absolutely necessary and saved my life and my son's. I actually almost feel it is a badge of honor in a way. But that may be because I don't feel as if the c-section wasn't necessary. Maybe it is easier to "like" your scar if that is the case.
Lori
Happy Birthday Sweet Sarah-Pearl Child!! And Many Many More. You opened up your Mama to the Divine Inner Strength she posseses, and now she can inspire so many others to be the Women they are and will become. Many hugs and kisses to you and your mama today. Your mama's Midwife - Vicki
Happy Birthday Miss Sarah!!!!!! 3 years comes and goes so fast doesn't it?? I hope she has a wonderful birthday.
Amanda
Happy Birth Sarah-Pearl. I just added your blog to my blogroll. Visit mine! We are sisters! I've had 3 VBAC's after my first child was born surgically 14 years ago.
Blessings to you and yours...
What a powerful letter. I've not had a cesarean, but I am doing everything I can to keep women out of the OR.
Denise
Wishing your daughter a very happy birthday and many more to come! Great blog!
Hum, I have been reading through some of your posts and I have to say, wow, I am sorry to hear of how your anger over your 1st c-section is robbing you of some joy. I labored for 21 hours and then ended up having a c-section with my first child. The medication wore off and I felt the knife and screamed through most of the surgery. It was traumatic and I did wonder what I had missed by not delivering vaginally. I did grieve it but I am happy to say I've moved on. no, I don't like the look of my scar but I hate my stretch marks as well, and then you know my boobs are not nearly as perky after nursing 3 kids. I just chalk it all up to sacrificing and doing what I thought was best at the time with what knowledge I had to do what I needed to do to have the healthiest child possible. I hope you can stop hating it, b/c it was the gateway to life for you child, whether it was the perfect way, maybe not, but it gave you your child.
All doctors are not perfect, forgive them b/c we make mistakes as well. I know they suck at admitting those mistakes, like my doctor never admitted to doing my sons circumcision incorrectly and he will forever carry a scar from the emergency procedure that helped save his member, but I can't hold it against the doctor forever. Life is too short to stay caught up on the things we can't change.
I pray healing for you. -Angela
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