And so it goes

I feel as though I've been holding my breath for six months. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. They've been dropping hints of it here and there; asking me leading questions about each of my births, asking what I thought of theirs (both sections), praising their doctors' skills. Do I see accusations in their eyes when they talk to me? I feel so helpless in the face of their stunned realizations.

Sister A laments her scar. She had a bad infection after leaving the hospital and it had to be opened and drained. It's a thick, uneven scar that sort of "sticks out" where it had to be opened. It throbs and burns during her period, so much so that it brings her to tears. Is she crying from the pain or from the question of its necessity?

Her constant refrain these days is, "if they'd have just let me wait a little longer, I know I could have done it by myself!" They couldn't let her "wait" any longer though. After she got the epidural that she was assured carried no major risks, her blood pressure skyrocketed and her temperature shot up.

At a recent visit to the OB who cut her she asked if he "did VBACs". His answer was a pointy boot in the gut. "Oh sure we do VBACs, if your baby isn't too big or too small, if you don't gain too much weight, if you wait 2 years after your cesarean and if you go into labor before 40 weeks." Here response to me said it all: so basically he told me I can't have a VBAC!

Then there's Sister H. While Sister A has always been upset by her section, Sister H is only just beginning to have her doubts. She recently learned that the OB who cut her doesn't do VBACs. She didn't know a doctor could do that. I don't think she's quite brave enough to walk away from "her" beloved OB just yet, but still really wants to labor "to see what it's like." She told me that even if she "has" to have another section that she'd at least like to go into labor first. That doesn't sound like a woman who's afraid of any perceived VBAC risks. It sounds like a woman who's afraid that she might have let her OB make a bad decision for her last time, like a woman who wants to know her body isn't broken, and like a woman who wants to give her baby the benefit of being ready to be born.

By the way, Sister H had a section because her OB said baby was 11 or 12lbs. OB pulled out a 9lb baby.

I feel so absolutely stuck between my sisters! One wants me to tell her she made the right decision and the other wants me to tell her she can VBAC next time.

I won't lie to my sisters.

But if my silence made you leave

Then that would be my worst mistake

So I will share this room with you

And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed

It's just as well for all I've seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

~from Billy Joel's "And So It Goes"

Working on my labor shirt

Since I'm going to be at the hospital for at least some of my labor (maybe), I've been working on a labor shirt or gown to wear for the labor and birth. I've always hated those hospital gowns that have the name of the hospital plastered all over them. Here's my current design. It's a plain white t-shirt with red letters:

What do you think?

A photo request

I'm working on putting together what I hope will be a beautiful post. The last things I need are the following photos:

1. A pregnant woman standing near the ocean.
2. A picture of a laboring woman sweating.
3. A pregnant or laboring woman sitting with eyes closed.
4. A laboring woman surrounded by women.
5. A laboring woman with a strained or pained look on her face.
6. A mother resting with a fresh-squeezed baby.

If you have any of these photos and wouldn't mind me putting them on my blog, you can e-mail them to vbacwarrior at gmail dot com. If you have a blog I'd also be happy to link the photos to your blog. Thanks!

Today is the c-section anniversary

Four years ago right now I was a happy, if a bit battle-worn, whole, young pregnant mother expecting to give birth to her first child in about three weeks. At 10:27 p.m. central time it will be four years since that changed.

So many people ask me, "how can you still be so upset about something that happened so long ago? It can't be that bad!" I'll admit that now, anyway, it's not "that bad"-not for most of the year. It's just this day. I ask myself that question a lot too,though. How can I, the woman who held her teenage sister's hand as a doctor told her that her baby boy had died just two weeks before he was due, I, the woman who watched that young body give birth to a lifeless body, I, a woman who knows, personally, that birth can so often only mean death, how can I be upset when I have such a bright, beautiful four-year-old, living, blessing in my life?

Though a scar will never be the same as the ache of a missing baby, I think my sister said it perfectly recently when she said, "it's not okay. it's never going to be okay because he's never coming back." This scar will never go away. Where there is a physical scar there always remains an emotional one.

I think it's worse for me this year because it's the first time I've been pregnant on the c-section anniversary. What is comforting today,though, is that when I look down my scar is eclipsed by my growing breasts and belly. For the next 5-6 months, at least, my scar will be invisible to me.

Still, a thought I can't get out of my head: I'm carrying a baby in a damaged uterus. My first baby had a whole home. My other two had to settle for second-best. They deserve so much better than that and it's something I'll never be able to give them.