Refuse To Be a Womb Pod

Blog Moved

2011-03-11T21:39:00.001-06:00

I am no longer able to log into blogger with my old e-mail account, so I have moved Refuse to be a Womb Pod to the following address:

www.refusetobeawombpod.blogspot.com

Hope to see you there!

Finding a "super" supporter

2010-12-18T08:43:00.002-06:00

As I was thinking over my pregnancy plans, HG protocol, etc this morning I realized that my task in finding a care provider is two-fold. I must find a provider who is both HG supportive AND vbac supportive.

Is this the impossible dream? I fear it might be. A supportive HG provider must be very proactive and intervention-minded, whereas a truly supportive vbac provider must not be. How can the two exist in the same person?

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my best option is to find the most HG supportive provider I can, even if that means I must "sign up" for a cesarean at my first appointment, and then birthing at home unassisted.

Plans, Plans, Plans

2010-12-14T08:49:00.002-06:00

So many plans to be made! Our lives are so much different, so-full!-now. My first experience with HG was traumatic, but I only had to find a way to care for myself. My second experience with HG was more challenging because I had a very young toddler to care for. Still, there was just one child (who still napped) and family to help. Hyperemesis part three was the hardest thing I've ever done, to date. I had two active, non-napping children to care for and we'd moved away from family. The kids and I had to move back home and my mother-in-law practically raised them for five months. I was hospitalized for a week.

This time we're in for a ride! This next pregnancy will test our faith, above all, but also our commitment to each other and our endurance. A new pregnancy will find us with a school-aged daughter, a preschool son and a toddler daughter. Our oldest daughter began homeschooling this year the beginning of a new pregnancy will find us at the beginning of 1st grade and pre-K. My toddler shows no sighs of weaning and also co-sleeps. How will I manage nursing one child, homeschooling two children all while living on the bathroom floor for 9 months? We've decided not to separate this time, so we'll be away from any family who might've helped.

This season we're entering will be one that lives in infamy!

I know you think we're crazy. I know. But so is the "Iron Man" who pushes his body to its tipping point, no? And Iron Man finishes where he began. Our family will finish with a brand new immortal soul in the world. We'll end with ten hands helping two more emerge. We will be more, not less. Stronger, not weaker.

Unlike previous pregnancies, I hope to have internet access throughout. I'm looking forward to sharing this Phoenix-journey with you and chronicling how I make it through.

Kyrie eleison down the road that I must travel.

When I Used a Pencil

2010-10-25T10:29:00.005-05:00

Before I had a blog, before I knew what a blog was, I had a no. 2 pencil that must be sharpened and I had a hardback journal with pages that smelled of ink and libraries. I kept a journal all through middle school, high school and college. Every now and then I'd throw out all my old journals. I don't know why. Maybe I felt that I was only writing for myself, and so there was no need to keep chronicles of adventures I'd never have again, people I'd never see again, places and events I wanted to forget. I wish I had those journals now though.

One month after I graduated college I quit writing. Writers are "oppressed", aren't they? I was a married college graduate whose job it was to care for my husband and home. Gone was the teen angst, the girlish catty drama, college adventures and dreams of what "might be." What "might be" had become what "was" and there was nothing to write about.

When I first became pregnant I felt the desire to write again. One creative process begetting another, maybe? My first pregnancy journal was difficult to write. It began with such promise and so much excitement. I was pregnant! I was going to be a mother! My happiness quickly turned to horror as hyperemesis descended upon me. There would be days, then weeks between entries. The pages were full of morose musings and fogged with depression. The neat handwriting turned into barely-visible scrawls because I was too weak to hold the pencil properly. There were little dots of green and yellow vomit stains. With everything I lived through in that pregnancy--the hyperemesis, the "homelessness", the hurricane, the gallbladder attacks, the cesarean--I think it could rightly be subtitled "the little book of horrors".

Most of what I've written on this blog was written with some time and space (and sweet, precious children) between my writing and the actual events. I have my journals though, I thought I'd share a little from them, starting with my first pregnancy.

Is it...?

2010-10-12T11:29:00.002-05:00

Is it a stomach illness or. . . ? Not sure. Deep breaths.

Something Right

2010-10-06T08:20:00.002-05:00

Since Anna's birth 15 months ago, I've questioned my decision to allow Sarah to be present at the birth. She asked to. She begged to. She adored her sister from the moment she found out Anna was a girl. What a priceless bonding experience, I thought, for an older sister to attend her baby sister's birth, to "be there" for her from the moment of her birth.

Sarah is very mature for her age. At age three, strangers thought she was in kindergarten. She understands ideas and concepts with an adult-like clarity. We've never had "the birds and the bees talk" with her and yet she understands, somehow, that the making and birthing of a baby is a collaboration between God and (universal) Man. In preparation for Anna's birth, Sarah and I watched dozens of birth videos on youtube. She was fascinated, not frightened. She would tell anyone who'd listen, "my mommy is going to push my baby sister out of her buh-gina!"

So we were all set, right?

All the birth videos we watched were of women giving birth either sitting up or semi-reclined. You could clearly see the women's vaginas and the baby's heads as they were born. When Anna was born, I was on my hands and knees. Sarah could see the baby's head as it first emerged, and instead of seeing it come from my vagina, it looked as if, in Sarah's words, I was "pooping her out". Sarah didn't like that.

She wasn't as excited about Anna's birth as I'd hoped she'd be. It wasn't the huge sister bonding experience I expected. She didn't seem to be in awe of the birthing process. I was so disappointed! Had I made the right decision to allow her to attend Anna's birth? Had she been so traumatized by the birth that she wouldn't have a respect and love for birth as an adult?

Last week my disappointment turned to joy after a conversation Sarah and I had.

Sarah: Mommy, I think I want to be a doctor when I grow up.
Me: That sounds like fun. Do you think you'll be a mommy, too?
Sarah: Well...not really. I think just a doctor.
Me: Why don't you want to be a mommy?
Sarah: Because having the baby is really hard work!

When she talked about birth as "really hard work" my heart soared! She didn't view birth as painful, or gross, or scary or unimportant. It was just hard work. I asked her if learning to ride her bike, learning to read and write, and learning to crack eggs were hard work and she agreed they were. So I asked, "but now that you have those skills, aren't you glad you went through the hard work?" She said she was.

It's been one of my goals to raise my children with a respect for the normal birth process. I think I'm doing something right.

Bad Breastfeeding Advice?

2010-09-28T08:13:00.005-05:00

Anna is 15 months old today and still in love with nursing. She shows no signs of wanting to stop nursing and even nurses a few times at night. She even nursed through five weeks of Pertussis this summer. I'm happy with that!

Two nights ago she had a temperature of 103.4 and experienced a febrile seizure. I've been a mother for nearly six years now but that was my first time dealing with one of those. It was terrifying. It was also very physically painful for me because she was nursing when the seizure came on, and she clamped her four sharp teeth right down on my nipple and I wasn't able to pry them off! I honestly thought my nipple was going to be bitten right off.

Normally we don't take the children to a doctor for a fever, but since she had a febrile seizure I thought it warranted a quick trip. The doctor didn't seem to think anything of the seizure, but was horrified that I hadn't taken her to the emergency room for such a high fever. Our older two always get very high temperatures when they're ill and we've never had any problems with that.

Her problem was that she had a double inner-ear infection. The doctor asked if she had diarrhea also and I said yes. She told me that I needed to quit nursing her for 24 hours because "dairy is not good for diarrhea". I didn't feel like arguing with her, so I just smiled and nodded. When I got home I looked it up (as I always do when a doctor gives me breastfeeding advice) and found this from KellyMom.com

The current recommendations when vomiting or diarrhea is present in the breastfed child are as follows:

•Breastfeeding should be the FIRST choice if your child can take anything by mouth. Because of the ease and rapidity with which breastmilk is digested, even if your child vomits or stools shortly after nursing, he will still have retained some of the nutrients. Other foods that are often suggested (such as Pedialyte, sports drinks, gelatins and sodas) offer little nutritional value and none of the antibodies that human milk contains.

•When your breastfed child is ill you'll want to offer more frequent feedings -- this can limit the volume taken in at one time and helps to comfort and soothe a sick child. If your child is vomiting often and not keeping the milk down for long, it may be helpful to breastfeed frequently but limit the length of each nursing session (so your child takes in less milk at once). Another option is for Mom to express some milk before breastfeeding so that the milk flow is slower. RARELY does the baby who is allowed to breastfeed at will during a vomiting or diarrhea illness become dehydrated.

So, I didn't feel the need to quit nursing her. It was so strange, because the doctor seemed to be very supportive of breastfeeding, even past infancy. She treated my nursing a 15 month old as completely normal. She was surprised that Anna was eating solid food, though. I told her she ate nearly everything we did and the doctor said, "oh? so you puree it then?" I said that I just cut everything into small bites and she said, "so she has chewing teeth?" I said no, just the four in front, but she could chew fine with her gums. The doctor didn't seem to understand that. She's from India, so I'm wondering what Indian mothers feed their toddlers?

It Ain't Easy Being Green

2010-09-20T11:32:00.004-05:00

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. It's a disgusting picture, isn't it? So is HG. So why, then, why am I looking forward to another baby--another pregnancy? Last night my husband and I were discussing my previous pregnancies and were having a fun argument over how much weight I actually lost and in how much time. He said it wasn't so bad, that 30 lbs in 12 weeks is just a little more than 2 lbs a week. I corrected him, saying that I hadn't started getting sick until week six, so I actually lost 30 lbs in six weeks. That was with my first pregnancy. The rest of our conversation went something like this:

Husband: Yeah, but that was with Sarah. You weren't as sick with the other two.
Me: I know. I only lost 25lbs with Anna and about 15 with Caleb.
Husband: Oh. I forgot how bad it was. [pause] ...and you want to do that again??

The expression on his face said, "I wonder if it would be appropriate to suggest shock therapy?"

Yes, I want to do it again. Again and again and again, Lord willing. What is right and what is worth it are rarely easy. I chose to have a cesarean with Sarah because I cared about her. It wasn't easy. It was scary and painful and lonely, but she was worth it. I planned a (socially unacceptable) HBAC with Caleb, labored for 50+ hours at home and chose to transport to the hospital. For a good southern girl to do anything out of the mainstream required a strength of character I hadn't known I possessed. To labor that long required stamina and faith. To transport to the hospital with the real threat of another section looming required the courage of ten Davids, but he was worth it. When I was told, with my third pregnancy, that I couldn't have a VBAC because no one here attended them, I moved out of state. That decision required that I live as a single mother of a four-year-old and a two-year-old while engaging a third fight with HG, but she was worth it.

Difficult tasks often require of us traits we don't associate with ourselves. Ask any president of any country if his or her job is easy. Ask a doctor what medical school and residency required of him. Ask a judge, a teacher, a soldier, a marathon runner. Their jobs require extreme faith, vigilance, focus, courage, resolve, strength--sacrifice! They do what they do because it's worth it. It's worth it all. I know all of the jobs I mentioned are laudable jobs in today's culture, and people applaud and reward the sacrifices of those who choose them. Everyone has had a mother though, and each mother makes equally noble, soul-searing, courageous sacrifices for her child, even if that choice is nothing more than allowing another, weaker, human-being to live within her body until he's strong enough to live with-out it.

Yes, I'm looking forward to another pregnancy, another baby. Yes it will be one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Yes...he or she is worth it.

Thought on my births

2010-09-06T10:24:00.001-05:00

When I was planning my HBAC (home birth after cesarean) with baby #2 I was looking at songs for my birth video. Lately, some of the words of Jewel’s “Life Uncommon” have moved me

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend you strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
With sounds of freedom

So, then, I’ve decided that instead of raging against my section I will revel in the excruciating beauty of my vaginal births. Please don’t take this to mean that I don’t love my cesarean-born daughter. The Bible says, “greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” John 15:13 and when a mother consents to a section she truly, literally lays down her life. Cesareans aren’t 100% safe and the number of women dying from cesarean complications is on the rise. I took a Bradley Method class in preparation for an un-medicated hospital birth so when I consented to the section I was fully aware of the risks. I only say all of this because I have been accused here a number of times of not loving my daughter.

When I think of Caleb’s birth I think of hands and rocks. That’s what my birth attendants and family were. They were rocks to support me and hands to hold me. Though you could call Caleb’s birth a “failed homebirth attempt”, I don’t view it as such. I gave him a beautiful 40 hours of stress-free, peaceful, and intervention-free labor at home. Caleb and I walked together, rocked on the swing outside, and I prayed over him in the warmth of my birth tub. My doula encouraged me, my midwife watched over me, my husband supported me and my mother and all my sisters were witnesses to my hard, loving work. I even had sex!

Then there was Anna’s birth. I got to the hospital not knowing I was in labor, having just gone up to be “checked” because it was 3a.m. and my insomniac sister and I were awake and bored. Not only was I in labor, but I was about to give birth! I don’t even know how to describe Anna’s birth. I arrived at the hospital at 7cm and didn’t feel anything in the way of pain or intensity until 9cm. I had a birth ball put onto the bed and leaned and rocked over it until it got uncomfortable. Then I climbed up onto the bed and got on my hands and knees. It felt good and right. I felt led by…something. It was as if there was an instruction guide in my head and my body was following it and leading me along. The way my senses came alive, it was overwhelming! I could hear the tick, tick, ticking of the second hand on the clock behind me. I was intensetly focused the vein in my right hand pulsing with the same rhythm as my uterus. I cold smell the acrid, metallic bitterness of John’s glasses as he stood by (don’t touch me, just watch. Watch what’s going to happen!). I could feel Anna moving, turning, pushing her way out. She was ready, and I was ready, and it was as if she was saying to me, “quiet your mind and I’ll show you the way,” and I responded, “I’ll follow you”. My body and my mind were laid bare that morning; open wide and accepting of forces beyond their control. I wasn’t hooked up to machines. No one told me what to do or instructed me. Everyone in the room was simply a witness, as in a wedding ceremony. Do you, Becky Taylor, accept the solemn duty to birth and mother this baby, leading and following in turn, as necessary? I do…and then she was born, behind me. She was quiet for a moment and then she called out to me and I turned to face her for the first time. Those are the only moments from her conception that we’ve been emotionally separated; those few seconds before she breathed life.

As much as I adore, admire, respect and love my Sarah, my cesarean-born child, I cannot describe her birth the way I can Caleb’s and Anna’s, and that’s why I choose vaginal birth.

He's Here! He's Here!

2010-07-10T17:16:00.006-05:00

After my sister got her epidural last night her labor slowed down quite a bit. She finally got to 5cm and then an hour later was completely dilated!

Introducing baby Damian!

Born on Friday, July 9 at 10:14 p.m.

and weighing 7lbs, 2oz.

In Loving Memory of Baby Izaiah, born still at 38 weeks in December 2005

Sister L with baby Izaiah

Four years later with his brother, Damian

Today's THE Day!

2010-07-09T10:07:00.002-05:00

So, today's the big day! Sister L's baby will be born, one way or another. For those of you who don't know sister L's birth history, you can read her story here.

She's 36 weeks, 1 day. She's been in the hospital for 4 or 5 days for "observation". Her induction was supposed to start last night at midnight, but there were no "LDR" rooms available and the nursery was "overflowing" with babies.

We're all so nervous for her. Really, we've all been nervous the entire pregnancy! I'm hoping this baby can be born as peacefully as possible, but they've already had her sign a cesarean consent form. That's not good news.

My hometown is being eaten by a black, oily monster

2010-06-02T14:48:00.002-05:00

When You Grow Up, Girl

2010-05-28T11:36:00.004-05:00

Come back when you grow up, girl
You're still livin' in a paper-doll world
Livin' ain't easy, lovin's twice as tough
So come back, baby, when you grow up

You look real good like a woman now
Your mind hasn't gotten the message somehow
So if you can't take it 'n' the goin' gets rough
Come back, baby, when you grow up

~from "Come Back When You Grow Up Girl"

by Bobby Vee

I turned 29 years old last month, but apparently I still look like a teenager. I've always looked younger than my age would suggest. Two recent examples: When I was admitted to the hospital at 13 weeks pregnant (at age 28) to be treated for severe HG, the intake nurse asked me about the highest level of education I'd completed. When I told her I had a bachelor's degree her head snapped in my direction and she mused, "Huh. I thought you were just 15 or 16!" This last week when we were at the rehearsal for my brother-in-law's wedding I was walking with Anna in the Ergo, Caleb holding my hand and Sarah walking two or three steps in front of us. A lady sitting on a bench stopped my and asked, "Are they all yours?" When I answered "yes, ma'am!" she clicked her tongue a bit, shook her head in shame and said, "No. no. You're just too young to have all them children!"

I've never wanted to be, or look, older than I am. My dream has always been to be treated as an adult. My husband likes to say, "Becky, you're a 29 year old married mother of three children. You need to start seeing yourself as an adult!" How can I view myself as something opposite what nearly everyone else sees?

When I was pregnant with my first child, Sarah, I thought that having a baby would make me feel more "grown up". I felt certain that becoming a mother would elevate me society's eyes and I'd be respected, finally, as a woman, a mother. Sure, we snicker and roll our eyes when a teenage girl says that about why she had a baby with her boyfriend, but there is truth in feeling that a baby will mature a girl/woman.

As a first-time, pregnant mother I never felt more childish. I felt stripped--robbed--of any adulthood and autonomy I'd gained. At my very first prenatal appointment, someone who was not the doctor came in, told me she was going to do an ultrasound and without waiting for a reply or permission, stuck a thin ultrasound "probe" into my vagina. She had a difficult time finding my uterus and said so in a way that implied it was my fault. So I did what any polite southern child would do and apologized. During a subsequent visit I was told that I wasn't a good mother because I was so squeamish that is was impossible for the lab technician to draw my blood. Once, when trying to explain the extent of my (pre-diagnosed hyperemesis) nausea, the doctor spoke down to me condescendingly and said that I was being a baby, that women (implying I was a baby, not a woman) the world over dealt with morning sickness all the time without complaining, and that I should just suck lemons.

Despite all this, I harboured hope that the act of giving birth would make me a "real woman". I'd give birth on my own, without anyone holding my legs, without anyone telling me when or how to breathe, without numbing or mind-altering drugs. I'd push my baby out with my own strength, hold her in my arms, and feed her with my breasts. Yet, if you've read here long enough you know that none of those dreams were realized. I was taken in for an unexpected cesarean at 37 weeks. I wasn't told exactly why I needed the section, just that my uterus was a "hostile environment" for my baby and she'd be "better off" outside of my body. I was numbed from the chest down, strapped to a table and cut open. My baby was brought forth from my body by the gloved hands of a stranger who didn't even know her name, instead proclaiming that she was "her peanut". Finally, with a slashed uterus and numbed breasts, there was no nursing.

The very things I had associated with womanhood-uterus, vagina, breasts--were all either damaged, ignored or numbed. For me, this first birth had occurred in a little girl's paper doll world.

My terrible secret

2010-05-11T10:42:00.006-05:00

I want to talk a little bit out my "terrible secret". If you've read here for awhile then you probably already know a few things about me such as: I don't use artificial birth control (though you may not know we've made the decision to stop NFP, as well), I hated my cesarean, I adore the experience of giving birth. What you may not know, however, is that I'm absolutely, whole-heartedly, terrifyingly afraid of my next pregnancy. So scared, in fact, that last night I dreamed that I finally got my period back and woke up in a cold sweat, shaking, at the thought that now I was sure my fertility had returned.

So there it is. My secret. It's not that I don't like pregnancy. I do! I've never been a skinny girl, so when I get pregnant I sort of get it into my head that, "I'm not fat, I'm just pregnant!" I think pregnant bodies are amazingly beautiful and I love feeling beautiful. I love watching my belly grow. Feeling my babies move in my womb is one of the most treasured memories of my life. I feel so special and blessed when I'm pregnant. What an high honor to be chosen to help bring life into the world!

For me, though, there's a putridly dark side of pregnancy. My body hates pregnancy and babies and does everything it can to starve and kill my babies and me. I suffer from a traumatic pregnancy illness called hyperemesis gravidarum. I've had it will all of my pregnancies except the baby I miscarried, so that's three times I've survived.

It's a horrifying, soul-crushing illness. For me, having HG is exacerbated by hypersensitive senses; specifically taste, smell and touch. In my pregnant state, the world--everything--smells as if it's coated in a thick layer of vomit. My sense of smell is very sensitive when I'm not pregnant so when I become pregnant my husband calls me the "human bloodhound". When I move from one smell to another, I vomit. Leaving my bedroom and going into the hallway-I vomit. Going out the front door, I vomit. Getting into the truck, vomit. From the truck to outside the truck, vomit. It's really that bad.

Everything tastes horrible. The thought of eating food repulses me. I can't even stand to kiss my husband or children. I can't stand to put anything in my mouth. My HG world is also filthy. I feel like everything around me is covered in grime, dirt, sewage, etc. I can't touch anything.

Do you see how awful this is for me? HG is bad. So bad that sometimes women die from it. So bad that women will abort...abort!...wanted, prayed for, dreamed of babies because they feel like they're dying and no one will/can help them.

So the idea of going through this a fourth time gives me hives but... what if? What if I'm supposed to be learning and growing from these pregnancies? What if all the knowledge and strength gained from a mother-led, unmedicated birth is also available to me if I quit "numbing" my pregnancy with fear, doubt, lack of faith, hopelessness?

What can I learn about my Lord, my body, my husband, my children, my baby, myself... from an un-numbed HG pregnancy?

What happens when the child you're given isn't the child you expected?

2010-05-06T05:18:00.004-05:00

Recently, sister H's daughter, baby C, was diagnosed with autism. She's just 19 months old, which is very young for a diagnosis and that's encouraging.

Most of the autistic children I've met have what they call a "regressive" form of the condition. Everything seems perfectly as it should be, with baby reaching milestones on or before "schedule", and then sometime between 15 months and two years the child begins losing previously mastered skills and milestones.

This is not baby C. For us, her family, it was very obvious almost from birth that something wasn't quite right. Sister H was blind to it, but my mother, other sisters and I could see. She never looked at you. It always seemed as though she lived in a different...world?...than the rest of us. She used her feet as most children would use their hands and could sit for hours opening and closing a drawer. She just began walking at 17 months and spins in circles frequently, and still isn't speaking beyond the babbling you hear in a 6-7 month old baby.

As I said, we could all see that baby C needed help, but we were afraid of insulting sister H. No matter how gently you suggest something like that, what most mothers would hear you say is, "your kid's messed up." Thankfully, sister A sees the same pediatrician as sister H, so she mentioned our concerns to the doctor, and the doctor (who also has an autistic child) brought up the subject with sister H at baby C's 18 month well-child visit.

The diagnosis hit sister H very hard. She became deflated, a shell of her normal self. It was so hard to watch. Surely she must have suspected something before, but to be confronted with it finally...

She's very sensitive in general, but even more so about baby C now. It's hard to talk to her about anything related to C's autism. There's so much I want to tell her. I want to tell her that we all love baby C to death, if not as much then even more than before. I want to tell her that every mother experiences the "death" of the baby she'd imagined. The baby birthed from a woman's womb is never the baby she conceived in her mind. For some of us, the differences are minor but for some they're dramatic. I want to tell her that baby C is precious in the eyes of the Lord and that she is "beautifully and wonderfully made," just as we all are. I want give her my whole body for support; arms to wrap around them both, shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, mouth to speak encouragement, eyes to view every victory and feet that are swift to run to her side.

MIA and Pictures

2010-04-27T13:30:00.014-05:00

Sorry I've been absent so long. Having three children keeps my hands (happily) full! I plan to post at least once a week now though.

Anna will be 10 months old tomorrow! Where did my sweet, new baby go? She's so grown up now. Still no teeth, but Sarah didn't get teeth until she was a year old. She began crawling about 6 weeks ago (an army crawl on her belly) and has rapidly progressed to pulling herself to a sit, pulling up to stand and now cruising. Last night she finally got up on her hands and knees to crawl, but I don't think she'll be crawling much longer.

We were in Pensacola last weekend and visited Ft. Pickens several times. I wanted to share some of the pictures with you. It really is a beautiful park!

Anna standing on the boardwalk

I can't say the thought doesn't cross my mind...frequently!

This picture gives me chills.

An artsy photo of Sarah. She's looking across the intercoastal waterway at Fort Barrancas.

Caleb climbing on the same rocks I used to play on when I was a child. One of my fondest memories!

Sarah and Caleb examining something Sarah caught in her net. She's quite the "hunter"!

Anna nursing on the beach. Heaven on Earth: warm sun, salty sea and a baby at the breast.

My beautiful baby girl! She's watching Daddy, Sarah and Caleb catch sand crabs.

Sarah and Caleb exploring Fort Pickens.

My Response, or Why I Choose Vaginal Birth

2010-04-14T09:01:00.007-05:00

I frequent a local mom's forum and was recently "called out" in a post by a cesarean-loving mother. In her post she said something like, "I don't care what people like vbacwarrior think. I've signed up for my repeat c-section and I don't feel guilty!" I feel so bad for her. She obviously does feel guilty or she wouldn't have felt the need for that qualifier. I worked very hard on a response-several days. I just poured my heart out to her, and I hope she feels my sincerity.

Since I’m in town for a bit and my “name” was mentioned, I thought I’d attempt a reply.

When I was planning my HBAC (home birth after cesarean) with baby #2 I was looking at songs for my birth video. Lately, some of the words of Jewel’s “Life Uncommon” have moved me

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
With sounds of freedom

So, then, I’ve decided that instead of raging against my section I will revel in the excruciating beauty of my vaginal births. Please don’t take this to mean that I don’t love my cesarean-born daughter. The Bible says, “greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” John 15:13 and when a mother consents to a section she truly, literally lays down her life. Cesareans aren’t 100% safe and the number of women dying from cesarean complications is on the rise. I took a Bradley Method class in preparation for an un-medicated hospital birth so when I consented to the section I was fully aware of the risks. I only say all of this because I have been accused here a number of times of not loving my daughter.

When I think of Caleb’s birth I think of hands and rocks. That’s what my birth attendants and family were. They were rocks to support me and hands to hold me. Though you could call Caleb’s birth a “failed homebirth attempt”, I don’t view it as such. I gave him a beautiful 40 hours of stress-free, peaceful, and intervention-free labor at home. Caleb and I walked together, rocked on the swing outside, and I prayed over him in the warmth of my birth tub. My doula encouraged me, my midwife watched over me, my husband supported me and my mother and all my sisters were witnesses to my hard, loving work. I even had sex!

Then there was Anna’s birth. I got to the hospital not knowing I was in labor, having just gone up to be “checked” because it was 3a.m. and my insomniac sister and I were awake and bored. Not only was I in labor, but I was about to give birth! I don’t even know how to describe Anna’s birth. I arrived at the hospital at 7cm and didn’t feel anything in the way of pain or intensity until 9cm. I had a birth ball put onto the bed and leaned and rocked over it until it got uncomfortable. Then I climbed up onto the bed and got on my hands and knees. It felt good and right. I felt led by…something. It was as if there was an instruction guide in my head and my body was following it and leading me along. The way my senses came alive, it was overwhelming! I could hear the tick, tick, ticking of the second hand on the clock behind me. I was intensely focused on the vein in my right hand pulsing with the same rhythm as my uterus. I cold smell the acrid, metallic bitterness of John’s glasses as he stood by (don’t touch me, just watch. Watch what’s going to happen!). I could feel Anna moving, turning, pushing her way out. She was ready, and I was ready, and it was as if she was saying to me, “quiet your mind and I’ll show you the way,” and I responded, “I’ll follow you”. My body and my mind were laid bare that morning; open wide and accepting of forces beyond their control. I wasn’t hooked up to machines. No one told me what to do or instructed me. Everyone in the room was simply a witness, as in a wedding ceremony. Do you, Becky Taylor, accept the solemn duty to birth and mother this baby, leading and following in turn, as necessary? I do…and then she was born, behind me. She was quiet for a moment and then she called out to me and I turned to face her for the first time. Those are the only moments from her conception that we’ve been emotionally separated; those few seconds before she breathed life.

As much as I adore, admire, respect and love my Sarah, my cesarean-born child, I cannot describe her birth the way I can Caleb’s and Anna’s, and that’s why I choose vaginal birth.

And P.S. I pooped. No one cared. When you’re witnessing such a painfully beautiful birth and exquisite baby girl, poop doesn’t even compare ;) [In her post the mother had used not wanting to "poop" in labor as one of her most valid reasons for having a cesarean]

I know what you did last summer

2010-03-06T23:02:00.001-06:00

I know what you did last summer

I did something last summer.
Actually, I did it for the second time.
Most professionals think what I did is dangerous.
I was told I shouldn’t do it. Many institutions have banned it.
I meet women very often who have never even heard of what it is I did.
Sometimes women say they wish they could do what I did
but they aren’t allowed.
Or brave enough.
Or wide enough or thick enough.
Or, it’s just not convenient
enough.
Sometimes the very law itself doesn’t allow women to do what I did.
I’ve read of women being “hauled in”, against their will,
when they wanted to do what I did.
I had to cross state lines to do it. Some women have to travel much further.
There was a short period of time when it was popular
to do what I did.
It’s not popular anymore, but then I’ve never been a popular girl.
Five years ago I didn’t know I had it in me to do something so
outrageous.
You know my mother did it three times—
rebel.

My beautiful nursie baby

2010-02-25T17:17:00.001-06:00

Just a simple picture to share. My older daughter took the picture.

A Hard Question

2010-02-17T09:30:00.004-06:00

I began questioning the so-called outrageousness of me having to travel to have my VBAC last night as I watched the Olympics. There was a male figure skater who was skating for Italy and the announcer said that he was actually French but the European Federation wouldn't allow him to skate for France. So, with lofty Olympic dreams in his head, this young man denounced his French citizenship and became at Italian citizen. You might say, "Wow! What an ambitious young man. Now that's a person who had a dream and wasn't afraid to sacrifice to follow it. Good for him. Bravo!" Indeed, the announcer's tone of voice seethed admiration for the young man's actions.

After the young man skated I recalled another skater in this year's Olympics, a woman, who gave up her Japanese citizenship to skate for Russia. She even changed the spelling of her last name. The reason given was that there was no couple's skating "legacy" in Japan.

With all this in mind, my hard question: Is it really so "outrageous" that I had to travel to another state to have a VBAC?

When I was going through the ordeal I thought it was ridiculous. Why should I have to inconvenience my family and myself just to give birth vaginally to my baby? Why should I have to travel so far away? Why wouldn't the doctors or midwives here just attend my baby's birth?

Yet, what would have happened to the young skater from France or the young skater from Japan had they had similar thoughts? Had they scoffed at the inconvenience their dreams produced, I wouldn't know who they are because they wouldn't be in the Olympics.

Every day people go through unimaginable circumstances and face such extreme obstacles to getting what their hearts desire. Think about people who travel to other states or countries for state-of-the-art medical treatments. Do they complain about the inconvenience?

So I'll repeat my hard question:

Is it really so "outrageous" that I had to travel to another
state to have a VBAC?

A new carrier

2010-02-10T20:51:00.002-06:00

Since Caleb was a baby I've carried my babies in a ring sling. I loved my ring sling. It was easy to put on, easy to put baby in and easy to take baby out. After a recent trip to the chiropractor, my husband decided that it was wreaking havoc on my back. I'd heard many moms sing the praises of the Ergo baby carrier so I ordered one and... it came today! I hated it for about an hour but it's growing on me. I still stand my my assertion that it wasn't designed for shorter people though.

Anna Lily 7.5 months

2010-02-05T05:42:00.002-06:00

I've wanted to write about this for several weeks now. Actually, about 10 weeks. One of my sisters is pregnant. . . again. She's my only sister (out of four) who has given birth without a cesarean. She's the sister who gave birth at 15 years old, at 38 weeks, to a still born baby boy. That was four years ago and I wrote about it here.

Now sister L is 19 years old. She's so excited to be pregnant. She found out last week that she's having another son (his name is Damien). But. . .but. Just before the became pregnant she was diagnosed with Grave's Disease. From what I've read, this doesn't have to interfere with the pregnancy in any way. Again, but. Her doctor also found that she has the MTHFR gene mutation. From pregnancy-info.net:

Because of a mother with MTHFR’s inability to efficiently metabolize folic acid and
vitamin B9, the disorder has been linked to a variety of pregnancy complications
such as chromosomal abnormalities, such as Down syndrome, and congenital
malformations.

Elevated levels of homocysteine have been associated with
placental disease, preeclampsia and recurrent pregnancy loss. 21%
of women with high levels of homocysteine experience recurrent pregnancy
loss.

She has already been "counseled" about her "options". No doubt, being 19 and facing the chance of a baby with Down's Syndrome, spina bifida or still born she was "counseled" to abort my sweet nephew. What kind of doctor tells a mother who has lost a child that she should kill her next child? No, this new little guy is one of the most fortunate babies on this earth. His mama is going to love him jealously and protect him fiercely.

We're all so worried for sister L though. She faces the very real chance of losing Damien. She lost Izaiah at 38 weeks, so it's a very long road ahead, littered with egg shells. None of us will breathe until Damien is safe in L's arms.

The part of L's story I struggle most with is her decision to schedule a c-section at 37 weeks. In my head I understand why she's made this choice. In her mind, if she'd had a c-section at 37 weeks with Izaiah, he would be a 4 year old little boy playing with worms and catching frogs, instead of a painful 4 year old memory. There are many things I want to tell her that I dare not. I want to tell her that he might not be ready to be born at 37 weeks and may suffer complications. Babies born too soon frequently die. He could have problems that plague him the rest of his life. What about L? She could lose her uterus (at 19!). She could suffer crippling adhesions. She could contract meningitis or MRSA. She could suffer from secondary infertility. She could die.

I worry so much for her. Helping her grieve the loss of another son would tear me apart. Hearing her speak flippantly about a section that was "great" would make me wince. Allowing her to share her tears over a section that was "awful, painful, why-didn't-you-tell-me-how-bad-it-was-going-to-be" would crush me.

There's just no right answer. Nothing right to say to her. My job until the end of July will be to listen to her, share her joy and pray with every ounce of faith that is in me.

Today is the Section Anniversary

2010-01-12T00:00:00.002-06:00

When I talk about my cesarean do you hear that I'm judging you? What you should hear is that five years ago I had a surgical birth that I didn't want, wasn't prepared for, and still mourn. What I'm saying is that whether or not mine was necessary it left a scar that healed in the shape of a frown and a scar that is still open. If you really listened to me, you'd know that I don't believe all c-sections are unnecessary and evil but that there are a heck of a lot of them being performed that aren't necessary and those are evil. Birth in this country has become a high-stakes football game with women and babies acting as that old "pig skin". The fact is: cesareans aren't safe. Your skin and uterus are cut and they weren't meant to be. If I stretch a rubber band too tightly it will break because it wasn't made to stretch that far.

Five years ago I bled nails and hot tears
Now I bleed bitter sweetness and love
But it still hurts, and I still bleed

My first child, my sweet little girl, will forever share her spot in my mind with an awful memory. Maybe that's what hurts the most. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. So, each January 12 I smile and congratulate, give sweet hugs and pretty presents, and marvel as this little 3lb baby continues to grow and learn. But in the evening I close my door and I hurt. I hurt.

I know many of you will say that it shouldn't be so bad this year because I finally "got the birth I always wanted." I wanted that kind of birth for my babies! Not for me. Sarah didn't get that birth. I was able to give it to her two younger siblings, but not her. Not her. That's never going to change.

January 12, 2005
The day of my daughter's exit from my open womb.
My baby's birth.

Weeping

2010-01-04T12:46:00.003-06:00

There is a chance of snow here (in mid/south Georgia no less!) on Sarah's 5th birthday. The 5th anniversary of my section. Words almost fail me, as I feel I cannot describe what a beautiful gift that would be.

Snow, white, pure, fresh, forgiven snow.

Snow, frozen water, like tears. Beautiful frozen January tears. As if the Lord himself was weeping with me and quenching this still-burning ache in my heart.

Snow, clean and light, on the very day my heart feels the dirtiest and most burdened.

Snow... snow!

My baby boy is 3!

2009-11-24T05:59:00.004-06:00

I fought so hard for Caleb. I planned the kind of birth I felt would be best for him, and because of my choices I endured many raised eyebrows and questions that doubled as insults. I don’t even pretend to know what was said when I wasn’t around. I think what many people didn’t know was the extent to which my whole heart was in Caleb’s birth plans. Sarah’s birth destroyed me—ruthlessly, unmercifully annihilated anything that I had ever been, and Sarah suffered for that. Still suffers for that, though it is a work in progress. I was not going to just lie down and let that happen to Caleb. I just wasn’t.

What people probably thought was that I was sectioned by a doctor in a hospital so I just wasn’t going to see a doctor or go into a hospital for Caleb’s birth. That wasn’t true. As John can attest, I read books, researched on the internet, spoke with people both online and in person, until the only words that came from my mouth were pregnancy and birth related. My plans for Caleb’s safe birth were all-consuming. I even had a consultation with a perinatologist at the hospital who told me, outright, that my best chances at a VBAC were at home. We hired a wonderful midwife with decades of experience and over a thousand births under her belt.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not want what some homebirth opponents call a “spa birth”. I wasn’t planning to give birth in a dim, candle-lit room with soft music in the background. I had no illusions of an easy, pain-free birth. I had every thought and expectation that it would be the most painful, scary, intense thing I had ever done. And that it would be safe.

I knew from very personal, very recent experience that the thing we call “birth” doesn’t always go as planned and can sometimes have a tragic end. Just 8 weeks before Caleb was conceived one of my sisters lost her son at 38 weeks. She wasn’t even in labor. He just…died. I was the one with her when the doctor told her. Mine were the first hands she desperately squeezed. My arms were the first to support her. My eyes were the first to see her tears. I saw her heart split right open and I’ll never, ever forget the enormity of the black grief that flowed out. But, all the hospital-birth-planning in the world wouldn’t have saved my little nephew. Babies die all the time in hospitals. If it was the Lord’s will for my baby boy to die in birth, it would happen whether or not we were in a hospital. In my opinion, a peaceful death is as important as a peaceful birth.

I really can see Jesus in Caleb. I look at him and marvel, “this is what Jesus must have been like at age 1, at age 2, at age 3”. What a blessing He must have been to His mother! If Sarah challenges and blesses me intellectually, Caleb challenges and blesses me emotionally. I look at him and just melt. He is so kind and tender-hearted! There’s a story in the Bible about two women who bring a baby to the king, both claiming it’s her baby. The king tells the women that since he can’t tell whose baby it is, he’ll have it cut in half and each woman may have half of the baby. The mother who spoke up and said, “no, don’t cut him in half. Give him to her” was the woman the king decided must be the baby’s mother. I did something similar with Sarah and Caleb when they were fighting over who would get to play with “baby Anna”. Before the words were even out of my mouth Sarah said, “I’ll take the top half”, but Caleb protested with a concerned look on his face, “No! It’s hurt her!”

He’s like the walking New Testament! He is patient and kind. He isn’t jealous, doesn’t brag and is not arrogant. He does not act unbecomingly, does not seek his own, isn’t easily provoked, doesn’t take into account a wrong suffered (and forgives nearly instantly!). He does not rejoice in unrighteousness (and if on rare occasion he does something he shouldn’t, he “tells” on himself immediately). My sweet little Caleb bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and (as Sarah Elizabeth is his sister) endures all things.

I can’t imagine my life without my little guy, and he and his birth have brought so much healing into my life. I am so grateful for that in this Thanksgiving season.

What his name means-
Caleb: Faithful, Bold
Joshua: Jehovah saves
Amen, and amen.

Caleb's birth story

Caleb's birth video

This post is lovingly, gratefully dedicated to Vicki Taylor, L.M., C.P.M., without whom I would still be that scared little girl sitting in a corner crying over her scar.

You are not alone

2009-10-22T15:31:00.003-05:00

I received a message this afternoon that read, in part,

I thought I was alone. I thought I wasn't supposed to feel this way.

No, mama, you're not alone. Your body wasn't made to birth from the abdomen. It wasn't made to be cut. Cry, rage, hurt, grieve! Something precious and irreplaceable was stolen from you and you have every right to feel "this way". The scar you can't see takes much longer to heal than the one you can see.

Whew!

2009-09-26T06:05:00.004-05:00

Anna will be three months old on Monday. Wow! Where has the time gone? Where has my "baby" gone? I have to say that while I absolutely adore having a "normal" size baby, it sure does seem they grow up faster. At this point, Anna is as big as Sarah and Caleb were at 6 or 7 months old. She's so active! Last night I had a dream that she walked at 5 months old. Let's just hope that dream doesn't come to pass. Sarah walked at 9 months and Caleb walked at 16 months. With two other children in the house I think I'd rather she took Caleb's path!

She's also teething now, and exhibiting teething "behavior" that neither Sarah nor Caleb did. She's drooling buckets and chewing on her hands. She'll even quit nursing, pull off the nipple, and put her fist in her mouth to chew on. Strange. I guess I'd rather she chew on her hand than my breast! Caleb got his first tooth at 7 months and Sarah was almost 13 months. I guess I was kind of hoping Anna would follow after her sister in teething!

I still can't believe what a breeze nursing has been for us. After two failed attempts, I thought something was wrong with me. But after Anna's amazingly quick, simple birth and not being high or hooked up to anything, it just seemed natural to nurse her. I pushed her out, she was handed to me, I put her to the breast and there she has stayed for the last three months!

Like my other two at this age, she has become markedly more "organized" in the last week. I never set any kind of schedule for her, just let her nap and nurse as she saw fit, but she has set for herself a fairly predictable routine now. During the day she has three naps: early morning, mid morning and early afternoon and she nurses approximately every hour and a half. At night she sleeps cuddled up next to my breasts and nurses (I think) once or twice. Neither of us really wakes up for night nursing.

Here are some pictures I'd like to share with you.

Isn't she pretty? I call her my "strawberries and cream" baby. Her skin is so milky white and her hair a pretty shade of auburn.

Anna nursing at the butterfly garden. Just after this photo was taken, a butterfly landed right on Anna's head and stayed for several minutes. Beautiful!

My family and me at a marriage conference recently

Anna nursing at the marriage conference

Anna and Sarah- sweet sisters!

Sarah and Anna- they're great friends already!

Anna and me at the children's museum

Forecast: Partly Sunny

2009-08-16T06:09:00.003-05:00

So, today's the big day! My husband came down to get the children and me and we're all going to be a family again in Georgia. I feel like I can finally exhale.

Last Tuesday I had my six week postpartum visit with the midwife. It was really hard. Anna nursed through the whole exam and the midwife and I cried as we hugged and said goodbye. My body hardly bears any traces of a pregnancy now, and I weigh almost 40lbs less than when I first became pregnant.

Also, it looks like we're "getting out of Dodge" just in time! See this picture? Pensacola is right there inside that "circle of possibility" and the weather channel has just issued a tropical storm warning for Pensacola.

FYI: Yesterday Pensacola celebrated the 450th anniversary of the settlement of Pensacola (1559). It was, however, wiped from the map by a hurricane.

Birth- days

2009-08-10T11:57:00.002-05:00

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child must work for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay.

I read this poem with a mind towards my children's births. My cesarean and failed home birth attempt were both on Wednesday nights. My first unmedicated, incredible, birth was early Sunday morning.

As far as the children themselves, I wouldn't say that Sarah and Caleb are "full of woe", but Anna is most certainly "fair and wise and good and gay"!

Something old and something new

2009-08-05T14:55:00.002-05:00

Dh's cousin made it! A healthy 7lb, 5 oz little boy born after 19 hours of (induced) labor. Baby is great and mommy is very pleased with the birth.

Now, here's my Anna first thing this morning. She's smiling so much now I just had to get it on "film".

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

U-G-H!

2009-07-31T15:33:00.002-05:00

Oh boy, here we go again! Why is it that whenever I give birth, one of dh's cousins has a section 4-5 weeks later??

The cousin went to her 39 or 40 week appointment today and the doctor told her that her water had broken two days ago (how he knew exactly when it broke is beyond me). So, of course, she was sent directly to the hospital to be induced. A few problems I see with this:

1. Her baby is obviously not ready to be born yet. She's just 40 weeks and is not having contractions.

2. She looks like she's having a 9+ lb baby.

3. It's her first baby.

I sure hope I'm wrong, but it looks like she's headed on a trip down Cesarean Lane. Ugh.

Hyperemesis Poem

2009-07-19T19:58:00.000-05:00

I’m getting it out I’m getting it out
Rage, scream, cry, tear, punch, shout
I need you to see
Oh, just need you to see
This isn’t the way it was supposed to be
the way—
I wanted
it
to be
The howls, my bowels the vomit and pain
My face in the toilet again and again
Food in and food out and when it was through
Up came my insides, and—
nobody knew
Locked in my house, crushed on the floor
Still up, up it came more—more!
Why didn’t they come
there was no rescue
there was just me and the floor and the bile
and yet you
did nothing
my misery, my torture I—
broken, weak helpless
No one could have cared—
less
And then they cut me

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily Part 3

2009-07-19T18:18:00.000-05:00

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

As soon as I got in her car my sister began to time my contractions. When I was quiet for a moment and she'd ask, "are you having a contraction?" "yes", I'd say. "well that one was only 3 minutes after the last one." Again, she'd say, "are you having a contraction?" "yes," I'd say. "well, that one was only 2 minutes after the last one!" Even though I was sitting there perfectly calm and happy, I think she was very worried I was going to give birth in her car. [Later, our grandmother would tell her, "well that's what you get for picking up a 9 month pregnant woman on the side of the road in the middle of the night"] Though I'd brought my bag with me, "just in case", I decided to leave it in the car because "I don't think I'll be staying" (which became my mantra until I was pushing). We entered through the ER and when the lady at the desk asked how she could help us I stood there, calmly, and stuttered, "um, well, I'm pregnant and I... I'm having contractions, but I wanted to know if I was maybe in labor. You know I. . . just wanted to, uh, see."

When I got up to labor and delivery, the nurse showed me to an L&D room instead of the triage room. It hadn't dawned on me until I was in the bathroom changing my clothes that I was in a labor room. I called out to my sister, "I wish they hadn't put me here just to be checked. I'll be going home and then they'll have to fix the room back up!" It took me about twenty minutes to change my clothes in the bathroom because I kept having what I was still calling "braxton hicks contractions". The nurse checked me while my sister and I were chatting. I said to her, "well, if I'm not at least 4 or 5 cm then I think I'll just go home." The nurse looked at me with big eyes and my sister finally thought to ask, "how far along is she?" "7cm!" the nurse yelled as she headed out of the door. Apparently there's a lot to be done to prepare for a baby to be born in the hospital and I hadn't been polite enough to give much advance warning :) My sister and I got on the phone and called everyone who was planning to be there, including my poor husband who had to wake from a deep sleep, pack up 4 year old and 2 year old, drop 2 year old off with my mother-in-law and get himself and 4 year old down the hospital before I gave birth.

The nurse and the midwife, and my sister (who had given birth the summer before) were all standing around me, amazed that I seemed to be in little or no pain (just "discomfort") during what looked on the monitor to be very strong contractions. The nurse said to me, "The nurses at the desk asked about you and I told them I thought you were probably in labor, but that you couldn't be very far along. I sure was wrong!" About this time I thought to ask my nurse her name and when she replied "Faith", I was sure the Lord was with us that night. My midwife was going to examine me, but said she'd wait until my husband arrived because baby's head was right there, and she was afraid my water would break and baby would "fall out".

So finally everyone arrived and the midwife checked me and said, "you're 9cm. do you want me to break your water?" I didn't really know what to say, still not feeling like I was in labor [how's that for denial? I'm told I'm 9cm dilated and I still convince myself I might be going home!] and sure I'd be sent home any minute. "I'm not sure. What would we do then?" "Have a baby," the midwife laughed. So, I was still sitting up in bed feeling absolutely wonderful and I answered, "sure!" Big mistake :) She broke my water and I practically LAUNCHED myself out of bed, draping myself over the birth ball that I ordered be put on the bed, and began bellowing and rocking through constant, intense contractions. (note to self: allow baby to be born "in the caul" next time if necessary. Laboring after your water has broken SUCKS!) After awhile that didn't feel good anymore so I threw the ball off the bed and climbed up and got on my hands and knees, with my head resting on the head of the bed.

I don't think I was there very long before I had a contraction and it felt like a freight train was going through my body and I let out a kind of involuntary roar (something like oooohhhAAAAAAAHHHHHAAARRRGGHH!) and my body began to push. I heard the nurse tell the midwife, "she's pushing", and I remember thinking that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. I wasn't pushing, my body had taken over this show and I was just barely hanging on for the ride! Here's another place the Lord was really working in this birth. I was scared of pushing, and so He allowed me not only to not be directed in "purple pushing", but I don't think I pushed a single time. My body did everything itself. So the midwife told me not to push, she needed to check me. I tried not to push, but don't think I ever succeeded. She told me several times not to push, "Don't push, Becky. I'm not going to let you tear" (I had a 2nd degree tear last time so that was a fear of mine). I tried to pant, blow, nothing worked. I'm pretty sure at one point I was even begging "oooooze! oooooze!" at the top of my lungs.The midwife calmly (and I think she sounded a bit amused, too) asked, "so, are we delivering on hands and knees?" I was incapable of making any decision now and I just kept saying, "I don't know... I don't know..." So she just got ready for Anna to come and I stayed on my hands and knees.

The whole time I was pushing ("whole time") I was thinking to myself, "I wonder if it's too late to get an epidural?" It was sort of a scary experience for me- pushing. I think that's the main reason I felt pain when pushing, unlike with the "non pushing" contractions. Do I regret feeling that pain though? Absolutely not, and I'm even thankful for it. Though I was scared, I wasn't terrified. Though I felt pain, I wasn't suffering. I felt strong through that pain, as if my pushing "noises" were roaring sounds. I was listening to, and working with, my body and I felt the Lord's hand on Anna and me. The best way I can describe it is that it felt as if I was being pulled out in a massive undertow, drowning, but knowing all along that I was going to be saved. There existed in my mind both intense panic but constant peace.

After she was born I didn't immediately turn around to face everyone. I rested my head on the head of the bed and asked if they were sure she was a girl (I'd felt she was, and the ultrasound said she was, but I had an eager 4year old daughter in the room who was expecting to have a sister and I wanted to make sure I'd "delivered", as it were). Then I said I wanted to turn around. The placenta hadn't been delivered yet and her cord was still attached and pulsing, so the midwife handed Anna to John and she helped me maneuver my legs around the cord and turn to face my beautiful Anna. I'll admit that the first thing I thought to myself as I looked her over was, "oh no. I hope she's at least six pounds!" She didn't look very big, but was just 3oz shy of 8lbs, praise the Lord! I'd finally grown a normal size baby! Everyone in the room was shocked when her weight was read. Everyone knows that Becky has small babies.

It took about 20 minutes before I was ready to deliver the placenta. That was very uncomfortable. The midwife didn't pull on the cord, even a little. She just waited until my body began pushing again. It felt really strange, and I had a small hemorrhage. I heard the nurse whisper to the midwife, asking her if she should give me a shot of pitocin. The midwife said she didn't think it was too bad, but had the nurse apply some pretty "firm" (ha!) fundal pressure and I brought Anna to the breast to begin nursing. I also called my husband over to say a small prayer. After the bleeding had mostly stopped I was helped out of bed to change clothes. I was very dizzy, short of breath, and couldn't even catch my breath well enough to speak. That passed quickly, though, and the next morning I was offered a discharge just over 24 hours after Anna was born.

At 4:49a.m. (just an hour and a half after entering the hospital) Anna Lily was born, weighing almost 8lbs and I didn't tear. I pushed for only about 4 minutes. I pushed and delivered on my hands and knees, with no medication, and not even an iv. I think it's about the best hospital birth I could have hoped for and it was an amazing experience!

I am also happy to report that Anna began nursing in the delivery room and has hardly stopped since!

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily Part Two

2009-07-18T18:03:00.002-05:00

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

It was very difficult living without my husband all those months. I was very ill, suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum for the second time in my life. At my lowest point I was hospitalized for a week, having lost 25 lbs at 13 weeks. In the hospital I was given three very strong nausea medications in my iv, and when I was discharged I was given a prescription for one of them, Zofran, which is a drug commonly given to chemotherapy patients to help combat their nausea. My husband and I were uncomfortable with me taking the medicine though. We knew it couldn't be good for baby Anna and we wanted to just trust the Lord to allow me not to need it. We prayed, and less than a week after leaving the hospital I was able to make it through the day, keeping food and water down without the medicine.

Because I was a VBAC mother, I was required by the practice to have a consultation with one of their obstetricians. The premise of this "consultation" is for the obstetrician to make sure I understand the risks and benefits of both a VBAC and an elective repeat cesarean. It really was a joke though. He only discussed the risks of a VBAC and the benefits of the elective repeat cesarean. Then, he said to me, "well, we can try a VBAC if you really want to, but you only have a 50% chance of it being successful." I reminded him that I'd already had a successful VBAC, and my husband told him we were Christians and that we were trusting the Lord for a safe VBAC. After that the doctor didn't have much to say. He signed my consultation form and left the room.

[Now, since we're almost to Anna's birth, I want to share with you everything we'd prayed for the birth. I have a history of small for gestational age babies. My first was 3lbs 10oz at 37 weeks and my second was 5lbs 2oz at 41 weeks. It seemed I just couldn't grow a "normal size" baby. We prayed that Anna would be a good, normal, healthy weight at birth. I struggled with having faith in this throughout my pregnancy. It didn't help when people would tell me that I didn't even look pregnant, or that I "looked so good" (when what they meant was I looked so small). "Where's the baby", people would ask. With each of those comments my faith was weakened a little bit more. I was thankful to have my husband's faith to carry me.

Since Caleb's birth was so long and exhausting, we prayed for a quick, easy birth with Anna. My husband even said he didn't mind if it was so fast we didn't have time to get to the hospital first.

We prayed for a painless labor. We'd read the book Supernatural Childbirth and we knew that with the Lord, all things are possible.

I had a painful second degree tear when Caleb was born (all 5lbs of him). We prayed that I wouldn't have any tearing with Anna.

I also have a history of "failed" breastfeeding attempts. We prayed that baby Anna and I would have no trouble breastfeeding, right from the start.

Then there was my birth plan. I didn't want an iv or an epidural. I wanted to be up and moving. I wanted to be free to push on my hands and knees. I didn't want to be guided in "purple pushing" (I wanted to push when I felt the urge, for as long as I felt I needed to). I didn't want Anna's cord cut until it stopped pulsing. I wanted to hold her for awhile before she was taken from me to be weighed and measured. I had this list written out, but never talked with the midwife about it. I was afraid she wouldn't be agreeable, and I just wasn't up for the "fight". Thankfully, the Lord was!]

On Saturday, June 27th I felt the need to get my hair cut. It had grown very long and I don't like to have long hair and a baby at the same time. My husband, the children and I went to his friend's hair salon for my haircut. We stayed and visited for awhile, then decided to visit some other friends who lived in the area. There, I was served a wonderful meal of fresh, homegrown tomatoes with salt and steamed, homegrown squash and onions. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be my last "meal" before Anna was born. We were very late getting home. I think it was 11 o'clock. My husband put the children to bed and then he went to bed. I tried lying down for awhile, but I was having contractions that were uncomfortable if I was lying down, but I could hardly notice them if I was sitting up.

So, 4 days past Anna Lily's due date, I was up at 2 am chatting on facebook with one of my sisters. I had been timing what seemed to me like "braxton hicks" contractions (have you tried contractionmaster.com? it's great!) and just mentioned to my sister that they seemed to average at about 4 minutes apart, but I wasn't sure. "They just don't hurt", I told my sister. Since my husband and the kids and I didn't get in until late that night and I felt bad about dragging them all down to the hospital for a false alarm, so my sister offered to drive me down to Baptist "just to get checked." I told her I wanted to take a bath first, and shave my legs. What I had hoped would be a nice, relaxing bath that would, of course, help these "braxton hicks contractions" subside, turned into a fiasco. Sitting in the tub, I couldn't reach my legs that well to shave them. I did the best I could, shaving almost to my knees, and then determined to lie back and soak for awhile. Nope. Then I see a huge palmetto bug crawling on the shower tile. Ordinarily I'm scared to death of these flying monsters, but I was not going to let a bug ruin my relaxing bath. Or, was I? I got a large envelope and a clear cup from the kitchen and chased that awful bug all around the bathroom.

I never did catch him. I put the cup and the envelope down and got dressed. I decided to take my bag with me, but I was sure I wouldn't need it. "I'm not going to stay", I'd convinced myself. I had my sister pick me up on the street with her headlights off because I didn't want to wake my husband or the children.

click here for part three

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily Part One

2009-07-17T20:09:00.002-05:00

Consider the Lilies: The Birth of Anna Lily

Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27

Oh, where to begin! As with my other two birth stories, I feel they really "began" at the beginning of the pregnancy. However, I feel that Anna's story may begin much earlier- before she was even conceived.

If you've read Caleb's birth story, then you know his birth was a "failed" homebirth attempt with a transfer to the hospital, but a successful (if not ideal) VBAC. Though I had given birth to him, pushed him into this world with my own strength, I felt that his birth resembled too closely my c-section. I couldn't feel him emerge from my body (epidural), he was "clean" and tightly wrapped by the time I got to hold him, I was drugged and hooked up to all sorts of machines, and had a significant number of stitches (from a nasty second degree tear).

At first I was simply elated to have had a VBAC. However, as I began to recover and the realities of Caleb's birth set in, I began to feel restless. I felt "cheated", somehow, and desperately wanted a do-over. Instead of seeking the Lord's timing for the birth of a new baby, I sought my own timing and conceived a child just four months after giving birth. How wonderful, I thought, to be given another child so soon! This new baby, we called him "baby Mac", was not meant to stay with us though. I lost baby Mac 8 weeks into my pregnancy, just a few days before Mother's Day.

It took my body a long time to recover from losing the baby. It took my heart even longer. The way things were, I didn't think I was able to conceive children anymore. My husband and I decided that our family was probably complete and we quit trying to conceive by our own "works". The Lord had His own plans though, and Miss Anna came into our lives quite unexpectedly.

Shortly before I became pregnant with Anna, my husband and I moved from Florida to Georgia. When I discovered our wonderful surprise baby I began looking into my birth options in the area. Sadly (and shamefully)I found that to have a homebirth with a midwife I'd have to do it "illegally", and none of the midwives I spoke with felt comfortable attending a birth with me. I also found that some of the hospitals had VBAC bans, most of the obstetricians in the area no longer attended VBACs, and those that would theoretically attend a VBAC only delivered at hospitals with VBAC bans. My "choices" (and what kind of choice is it, really, when it's forced upon you?)became to sign up for a repeat cesarean (even though I'd already HAD a VBAC!), enter into care with an OB and show up at the hospital and refuse a cesarean (who wants to fight when they're in labor?), or have an unassisted birth.

I didn't like any of the choices, so my husband and I decided that the children and I would move back to Florida for the duration of the pregnancy and seek out our options there. We ended up deciding on a hospital birth with a Certified Nurse Midwife. I still wasn't comfortable with the idea of giving birth in the hospital. Afterall, if Caleb's birth had begun in the hospital I never would have had a VBAC. Hospitals just don't "do" the kind of labor I had with Caleb. My husband prayed with me throughout my pregnancy, though, that the Lord would protect me through the labor and birth. We even read a book that was recommend to us about painless childbirth, and so we were trusting the Lord for that as well.

click here for part two

Two Weeks Already?

2009-07-12T07:43:00.003-05:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been two weeks since I gave birth to Anna Lily. She's two weeks old already? I'm so proud that she hasn't had any formula in her (entire) life, no bottles or artificial nipples of any kind. That's a huge triumph for us!

She was also born too big for the newborn size diapers and too big for Sarah and Caleb's old preemie and newborn size clothing. That amazes my husband and me. Anna Lily is such a sweet little baby.

People ask me if she "fusses" a lot and I tell them I don't really know, because if she ever seems less than happy I just put her to the breast. Of course, everyone tells me I'm nursing her too much and that she's too dependant on me. Really? A newborn who is dependent on its mother?

She also makes nighttime parenting a breeze! She nurses around 10:30pm, then sleeps until sometime in the midnight hour, and then sleeps until sometime between 3-4 a.m. Neither of us wakes fully for her nighttime feeds and we sleep together, facing each other, so she can nurse while I lie down. How easy is that?? Thanks "baby Anna Lily"!

Anna's picture

2009-07-01T10:31:00.002-05:00

Anna 24 hours old

Anna Lily is here!

2009-06-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody!! Yes, Anna Lily is here :) She was born at 4:49 a.m. this morning after a very short 1 hour 49 minute labor with 4 minutes of pushing. I finally had a completely unmedicated delivery. When I arrived at the hospital I didn't even think I was in labor, but when the nurse checked me I was already 7cm. Then there was a flurry of activity, with everyone rushing around getting ready for Anna. My 4yo daughter was present for the birth and was mildly unimpressed. She wanted to help "catch" Anna and they got her some small gloves so she could, but she changed her mind at the last minute and was content to just stand at the "business end" and watch.

Anna weighed nearly 8lbs. What a triumph and blessing! Remember my other children's birthweights? 3.10 and 5.2! I pushed (roared, more like it) on my hands and knees. I had no idea that the so-called "urge to push" was actually a freight train running through your body that doesn't give you a CHOICE about whether or not to push. I was told several times not to push, which seemed at the time like the most absurd request I'd ever heard. There was no stopping and starting. My body owned the process and I was just along for the ride.
It truly was amazing! Labor didn't hurt, pushing was lots of pain. I really don't even feel like I've just had a baby. Oh, and she's an amazing little nursling!

A wild call and a clear call that may not be denied

2009-06-22T12:26:00.003-05:00

I'm in labor! I don't know how long it will last. My last labor was a few days long, so please don't worry if you don't hear anything from me for a few days. For those of you following me on FaceBook, I'll try to update more frequently on there. Meanwhile, here is a poem I think describes labor and birth beautifully (even though it's not written about labor) and also a link to the song I've chosen for Anna's birth photo montage. I'll see you "on the other side"!

Sea Fever

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

By John Masefield (1878-1967).

Click HERE to hear Anna's song

Tired. . . tired. . .

2009-06-07T19:40:00.002-05:00

Can someone please explain to me why it's so EASY for a woman to have an abortion but so HARD for her to have a VBAC?!

It's such a hard fight. It's even harder when you're so pregnant and tired. I'm just... tired. Is that their plan? Wear us down then cut us?

Some "land of the free". I think our "forefathers" would vomit.

MIA

2009-05-25T09:47:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm nearly 36 weeks pregnant and I feel like I'm 10,000 weeks pregnant! This week will be very busy. We're making our preparations for our temporary move to "baby Anna's" birth town. I have very little energy and a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old.

Has is really been that long since my c-section? Since my VBAC? Wow. . .

Our birth plans are not perfect. Not ideal. I am, however, at peace with our decisions. That's all I could ask of any birth plan. The midwife rolled her eyes when I told her what the VBAC consult doctor told me about only having a 50% chance of a VBAC. She rolls her eyes at much of what the doctor's say and do. She told me that the pain I still have in my perineum from a 2nd degree tear 2.5 years ago is probably because the doctor put in too many stitches.

That's all I can muster right now. I'll be 37 weeks a week from Wednesday (June 3rd), but I have no illusions Anna will come then. Sarah was taken at 37 weeks 1 day, but Caleb was born at 41 weeks.

The woods are lovely
dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep

This is going to get UGLY!

2009-04-29T08:00:00.002-05:00

You'd better stand back because this is going to bet ugly!

On Monday I had my dreaded "VBAC consultation" with an obstetrician. I wasn't looking forward to this meeting for several reasons:

It seems ridiculous to me to require a woman to have to sign a form stating that she would like to be "allowed" to use her vagina for one of its intended purposes
I knew that the consultation would center around the doctor looking over my birth history and then HE would decide if I was a good candidate for VBAC
I had a surgical birth for reasons not likely to recur
I've ALREADY HAD a VBAC!
I have already signed a form stating I understand the risks and benefits of VBAC and cesarean

Overall, the consultation went just as I'd expected. The doctor first asked me if I was having a repeat cesarean or a VBAC (obviously he didn't know I'm seeing the midwife, who is not a surgeon and cannot perform a c-section). Then, before he even examined my prior birth history, the doctor launched into a list of the benefits of a planned repeat cesarean and the risks of VBAC. Yes, it was a discussion of "risks vs benefits", but do you notice what's missing? There was absolutely NO discussion of the risks of repeat cesarean or the benefits of VBAC!

Finally the doctor looks over my birth history (because, don'tchaknow, a doctor has to deem a woman a "good candidate" for a "trial of labor"), and he noticed my children's birth weights (3lbs 10oz at 37 weeks and 5lbs 2 oz at 41 weeks). Then, he dropped a bombshell:

"Well, we can let you try a VBAC if you want to, but I don't really see
it happening. Your other children were so small and this baby is going to be a
normal size. I give you a 50/50 chance. It's just not likely to happen."

WHAT?!?!?!?

First of all, there is no "we". You're not even my care provider, doc! I am giving birth. M-E. Not you. Second, you don't "let me" do anything. You give me the information I need to make an informed decision and then you stand back and let me decide. As far as "not really see[ing] it happening," oh you have no idea how I would adore dragging your butt out of bed and having you watch me push this baby out!

NOW, WHAT IN THE WORLD do you mean I can't give birth to a "normal-sized" baby? I've heard of doctors giving mothers the "big baby card" and the "dead baby card". I have even been given the "small baby card". No wonder the cesarean rate in this country is skyrocketing! You just can't please these doctors!! "You can't birth this baby because she's too small" and "you can't birth this baby because she's just the right size". A nation of schizophrenic obstetricians... and women simply line up to be strapped down--MADNESS!!!!

Now, dear doctor, here is my "VBAC consent form":

I had a cesarean for reasons not likely to recur.
I had a low, transverse incision with an uncomplicated physical recovery.
It has been 4.5 years since my cesarean.
I have had a subsequent vaginal birth (VBAC).
I understand that, having had a successful vaginal birth, my risk for uterine rupture is less than 1%.
I understand that the risks of a repeat cesarean include: death, hemorrhage, blood clots, injury to bladder, bowel, uterus, injury to baby, excessive blood loss and hysterectomy.

I declare myself an autonomous woman, of sound mind and body, and hereby state my decision to have a VBAC.

Signed,

VBACwarrior

Intermission

2009-04-13T09:05:00.002-05:00

I won't be around for the next two weeks. We're moving (well, sort of. I'll explain later) and I won't have internet access for awhile. Hey, when I come back I'll be 32 weeks!

To Rixa and Michele, I hope I don't "miss" your births, but I'm afraid I might :( Happy birthing, mamas!

Catching Lizards

2009-04-09T08:41:00.004-05:00

April is Cesarean Awareness month

Instead of talking about the shockingly high cesarean rates in the country, instead of bemoaning the multitude of risks that cesareans carry, instead of lauding the benefits of vaginal birth, I have decided to talk about my own personal contribution to "cesarean awareness".

In about ten weeks I will be giving birth to my third child, my second daughter. Though my first daughter didn't get the benefit of a vaginal birth, she has been blessed (and educated) by witnessing my labor with my second child and she will be present for my labor and birth with our new baby girl. We talk a lot about birth in our home. She has seen pictures and videos of women giving birth. She tries to "teach" her little brother about the birth process, and she has an amazing grasp of the process for a four-year-old. She knows that birth is hard and sometimes hurts but, she says, "so it catching lizards!"

I don't know how the "birth culture" in our home will affect my son's view of birth. My hope is that, should he marry a woman who grew up in the same "culture" as he did, he would be fully supportive of her trust in birth and approach it with the same trust.

I do have four sisters, as well, though I'm unsure what influence I've had on them. H hated her cesarean so much that she's decided she doesn't want anymore children. A was so damaged by her cesarean (physically) that she probably can't have anymore children. L gave birth, at age 15, to a 38 week stillborn baby and is scared to death of that repeating itself. No cause of death was ever found. That leaves B, who will be 17 in June, as witness to all these traumatic births of her older sisters. Of all my sisters, it's B I really want to be present for Anna's birth. She needs to see a normal, healthy, joyful birth.

There are wonderful organizations, like ICAN, working to change the birth culture in our country. There are many bloggers; mothers, OBs, midwives, childbirth educators, nurses. I love and admire the work they do and the difference they're making. However, it is so hard to change fears and attitudes in grown, child-bearing women. The fears are deeply rooted. The misinformation already wrapped up tightly in their minds.

Why don't we begin earlier? Give birth to a baby vaginally. Tell a two year old that a baby "comes out of mommy's vagina". Let your four year old tell you that birthing a baby is like catching lizards. Let a six year old witness birth. Let an eight year old hold your hand and kiss your face as you labor. Let a ten year old help catch a baby.

Let's bring our children up in a culture of trust and respect for birth and they will bring the birth machine down.

Shucked

2009-04-03T10:16:00.003-05:00

This poem is part of my How I Got Here post on my sidebar, but I thought it deserved it's own "space" so now I'm giving it one.

Shucked

To think of myself as an animal

Led to the slaughter

Not really choosing

They stripped me

They shaved me

They shot me

Full of fear

So I'd be losing

All the feeling

But the feeling never goes

I heard 'oh you won't feel anything'

When I couldn't move my toes

First the needle

Then the knife

And they say that it's all right

They say I'll feel some tugging

But I don't, I just feel nothing

I was screened from my body

It's bloody

The baby, where's my baby

There's the baby

Could be anybody's baby

They take it away

And I'm left on the table

I want to be happy

But right now I'm not able

To see past the

blood

and the

light

And the

screen

Strapped to a table

The end of the dream

Gutted and cold

In pain and alone

Unable to speak, or to cry or

To moan

But the hate

And the anger

And the pain

Will subside

After I've grieved

After I've cried

I won't have the nightmares

Or wake with such fright

I'll think back and smile

On that terrible night

My wonderful baby

So tiny and pink

At that moment all I could

Think of was

my pain and

my fear

But what about you?

So cold and so scared

So little, so new

I look in your eyes

And I know what to do

I'll weep and

I'll mourn

Then I'll tuck it away

Doesn't mean it's not there

But I'll keep it at bay

So now when I think about how

My baby came into this world

I choose to think of myself as an oyster

And my beautiful baby,the pearl.

Disney World, hiding a baby and all's well

2009-04-02T08:09:00.003-05:00

What a wonderful vacation! First I'd like to thank Disney for having the foresight to put changing tables in men's restrooms. I found out very quickly that my aching (then) 27 week back couldn't handle heaving a hefty 2 year old up onto changing tables that are way too high for this short mama. My husband was so nice to take over diaper duty for almost the entire vacation!

A small (or not so small) complaint, though. Did you know those awesome 'baby care centers' in each park are sponsored by Nestle Good Start? Ugh! Maybe LLL could look into sponsoring at least one of them? Would that offend anyone?

I don't have any actual "belly pics" this morning, but here's a picture of Sarah, Caleb, a bear and me outside of Animal Kingdom. That's my 27 week 3 day belly.

I had my 28 week appointment yesterday. Guess what? Anna and I are completely healthy! Surprising, huh? I think it shocks people these days when a pregnant woman doesn't have anything "wrong" with her. That's so sad! Blood pressure is low, urine is clear, fundal height is 28cm. Anna is very active and strong, much more so than my other two babies were. I didn't ask about her position, but I know she's vertex because I can feel her little bottom.

Confession time. Before a few weeks ago, I always thought pregnant women were babies when they complained of common pregnancy discomforts like heart burn, aching 'sagging' belly, sore feet, pain in the back, etc. Well, add me to the pregnant 'baby' club! I don't know if it's because this is my third pregnancy or because I finally have a "normal" size baby, but I'm feeling pregnant and I'm grumpy about it!

Four year old urges: "choose the better way"

2009-03-31T08:03:00.002-05:00

Last week we took a family (2 year old, 4 year old, 27 week pregnant me and out-of-his-mind-to attempt-this husband) trip down to Disney World. It was an amazing trip, full of moments I'll never forget. I'm sure my feet will never forgive me, though!

One afternoon when Sarah and I were in a bathroom stall she saw my scar and asked if it still hurt. I told her that no, it doesn't hurt anymore. She asked if it hurt when the doctor cut me and I said it didn't because she gave me some "numbing medicine" first, but that when the medicine wore off it hurt a lot.

She thought about that for a moment and then asked, "which way hurt less: the way I was born or the way Kay-wub (Caleb) was born?" I told her that when she was born it didn't hurt at all because I was numb, but that later it hurt really bad, and when Caleb was born it hurt, but that as soon as he was out all of the pain went away.

She was quiet until after we both washed our hands and then she looked at me and said, "well, I think you should have baby Anna the better way, like Kay-wub. It hurts less." I laughed and told her I agreed.

Belly Picture!

2009-03-08T09:51:00.003-05:00

I finally have my digital camera so I was able to take some pictures last night. Yes, there is a baby in there and she's quite healthy. I just hide her well!

24 weeks 3 days

Breastfeeding Book Giveaway!

2009-03-07T10:05:00.002-06:00

Woman to Woman CBE is having a giveaway celebrating 100,000 hits to her blog! The book she's offering is a wonderful new breastfeeding book called Breastfeeding with Comfort and Joy: A Photographic Guide for Mom and Those Who Help Her, by Laura Keegan. Please visit these sites, enter for the giveaway and read more about the book! Good luck everyone!

INFURIATED! ! ! ! !

2009-03-06T09:40:00.004-06:00

As you know, two (two?!) of my sisters had c-sections last summer. Sister A has never been "okay" with her section and now, unfortunately, she's dealing with even more complications.

Two months after her section her cycles returned, along with a familiar, though worse, pain. Her periods were always painful before she got pregnant due to severe endometriosis. So, at 2 months postpartum she just assumed that was the pain she was feeling.

However, two nights ago she woke to severe pain from her navel to her mid-thigh and went to the emergency room. They did a vaginal ultrasound and thought initially that she had 'pregnancies' both in her fallopian tube and also on the outside of her uterus.

Thankfully, after a more thorough evaluation, it was found that it wasn't a pregnancy (or pregnancies) at all. That's the good news. The bad news is that apparently she's had an infection in her uterus for the last five months.

Anyone care to guess how a healthy 22 year old woman gets a rampant infection in her uterus? A c-section?! No! But they're SO SAFE!

The doctor gave her a two week prescription for two strong antibiotics, but he wasn't very optimistic about her chances at avoiding having her uterus opened up again. Can you believe that? She's basically going to have to have ANOTHER c-section!

Oh, but there's more. The doctor also said that there is a chance she may lose her uterus if the infection can't be controlled with antibiotics and surgery.

A 22 year old losing her uterus due to cesarean complications.

But they're so safe. So, so safe. . .

When you cut me

2009-03-04T20:14:00.001-06:00

When You Cut Me

I know. I understand—it’s your job
but it’s not my job
it’s my life, my baby, my body!
you went home that night to a warm home, a soft bed
and I was left on my back
in a cold room
with a hole in my soul abdomen
I’m not complaining about the job you did—
with your “cut rate” I believe you must be an expert now—
I’m complaining that you did the job

Did you know that when you cut me, I bled?
you cut a hole in my body and put your
hands inside
you didn’t ask may I move your bladder
may I touch your ovaries
may I take your baby

you took my baby!
You were the first woman to touch her
she was my first child and your bloody latex hands
were the first thing she felt
instead of me pushing, you pulled

When you cut me
I didn’t do anything!
I was just strapped to a table
a tube in my nose
my arm
my back
my—

then you just walked into the room
hidden behind your puke green screen
chatting with your colleagues
touching my body
cutting my skin

I was right there!
but you didn’t
see me
think about me
know me
did you ask if I was scared?
was I okay?
did I have any questions?
did I want to know what was happening?

I know.
I understand.
It’s your job.
When you cut me.

President (Elect) of ACNM

2009-03-04T12:10:00.002-06:00

Holly Powell Kennedy, CNM, PhD, FACNM, FAAN

Candidate Statement Related to Office:I am a midwife passionately committed to the profession and the women it serves. If chosen as ACNM President (Elect) I will use my passion and leadership to place midwifery as a forerunner of women’s health care. Early in my career I discovered change comes from solution-based action – and to effect change I had to work “with” people to achieve collective agreement about the road forward. This has shaped my collaboration with all stakeholders in clinical practice, teaching, research, and leadership. The philosophy has served me as a midwife, family nurse practitioner, educator, scientist/researcher, military officer, policymaker/administrator, and leader. It has helped me be successful in numerous settings – tertiary, community, and military hospitals, health maintenance organizations, urban and rural heath centers, professional organizations, and US/European academic institutions. This breadth of experience has given me an exceptional skill set to work with people from diverse backgrounds, but who hold common goals with midwifery – the health of women and their families.

My career has heightened my awareness of the importance of local grassroots activism to assure legal mandates to support the profession and women’s health. Membership on local, national, and international committees and the RI Board of Midwifery has helped me understand the daunting obstacles midwives face. My commitment to local advocacy for midwifery and women’s health was recognized by the ACNM Regional Award of Excellence – an honor I hold dear because it came from my colleagues in the trenches with me.

One of my most important professional contributions is my research, which articulates and links the work of midwives to healthcare outcomes. As Chair of the ACNM Division of Research I helped forge a partnership with MANA to establish scientific evidence supportive of our work. As a 2008 Fulbright Distinguished Scholar I conducted research on England’s national commitment to normal birth. Those powerful lessons will be instrumental in my future leadership, teaching, practice, and research to address the challenges we face in the US.

As President (Elect) of the ACNM I will work on our proposed “Future Focus” goals with the ACNM Board and ask each ACNM member to join me in that effort: (a) create strategic communication detailing the value of midwifery care in the US and globally – we must systematically reverse the US culture of fear and ignorance to build public and political support of midwifery; (b) attend 20% of all births by 2020 – visibility through birth attendance is key to professional and economic survival; (c) full autonomy for CNMs/CMs in practice and equitable reimbursement – we must work together on local and national levels to change policy and laws; (d) 1000 new CNMs/CMs annually – every one of us must commit to our students. None of the goals are possible without a critical mass of midwives. The road forward requires political and personal savvy, enlistment of expertise and resources, and leadership. I believe I am prepared for the challenges I will face and through the spirit of cooperation we will have the momentum to assure women’s right to health care excellence led by midwives. I am honored to be a candidate for President (Elect) of the ACNM.

Now that is "change we can believe in"!

That One

2009-03-03T08:58:00.002-06:00

On my first day of high school, my chorus teacher sat down in front of us and read us a story. It was a story, I forget the title, from the very first Chicken Soup for the Soul book. While I'm sure that there are many different versions of this story floating around out there, here is a summary of the version she read to us:

There was a woman walking on the beach one afternoon. As the tide pulled away from the shore it left thousands of starfish stranded on the sand. As far as the woman could see up and down the beach there were starfish. As she continued to walk down the beach she saw a man walking several yards in front of her. She watched as this man would take a step, bend down, pick up a starfish and hurl it back into the ocean. Another step, another bend, another starfish flung into the ocean. When the woman was close enough to the man to speak to him she asked him what he was doing. "If these starfish stay here on the sand they'll die. I'm throwing them back into the ocean," the man said. The woman replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. Throwing a few of them back into the ocean can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the man took a step, bent down, picked up a starfish and tossed it into the ocean. "Made a difference to that one."

Sometimes I get so frustrated. How do we change birth practices in this culture of fear? Doctors are afraid of lawsuits, women are afraid of normal birth and that harm may come to themselves or their babies. A few weeks ago a lady on a birth board I frequent posted a link to a beautiful unmedicated birth. Many of the comments to it were along the lines of yuck, gross, disgusting. How sad!

Another lady said she wanted to have an epidural because she was afraid of "losing control" in labor. She doesn't realize that by having that catheter in her back she gives up any control she ever had. She will be confined to bed, have a blood pressure cuff on one arm, tubes in the other, vaginal exams she can't feel and little control over pushing her baby out.

One poor lady said she hoped (hoped?!) to have a c-section because she was afraid of "tearing" and "being so exposed" during a vaginal birth. How ironic and tragic! Has no one told her that a surgical incision is worse than a tear? Does she not realize she will be exposed, at least for a time, from the chest down, and that her most feminine parts, her uterus and ovaries, will be exposed?

How? How do we change this? Sometimes it just seems so hopeless. Thousands, thousands, thousands of women lying stranded on the sand.

I am fortunate though. I have some hope for the future. I have one daughter (the one who was cut from me) and another daughter on the way (who will not be cut from me). They will grow up with a knowledge and respect for normal birth. They will see normal birth. They will know how babies are made and how they are birthed. My Sarah, 4 years old, can't wait to see "baby Anna" come out of my "fuh-jina". She delights in putting her hands together to form a "uterus", showing her two year old brother how it will contract, open, and "let baby Anna out to see us".

Made a difference to that one!

The Trouble with Repeat Cesareans

2009-02-20T07:21:00.002-06:00

Time Magazine has an article about women being forced into having repeat cesareans. It's eye-opening and a fair portrayal of the reality. You can read the article here. I have some things to point out after reading it.

The last line of the piece quotes a doctor saying, "When the problems with multiple C-sections start to mount, we're going to look back and say, 'Oh, does anyone still know how to do VBAC?'"

What?! A doctor doesn't do a VBAC. A VBAC is simply a vaginal birth. Women do that. And we've known how to do it since Eve, thankyouverymuch.

I also want to point out the sobering numbers mentioned in the article. Of the hospitals with a labor and delivery unit, 28% of those have outright VBAC bans and 21% have de facto bans, meaning that though the hospital doesn't prohibit VBACs there are no doctors who will attend them. That's 49%! Almost half of the hospitals in this country force women into surgery. Half of them force women to allow their babies to be cut from their wombs. HALF--that's a large number.

Someone wrote on my facebook wall today, “I love the link that you posted about VBACs-- I would hate to be forced to have another operation”

See, a huge part of this problem is twofold: first, most women don’t realize that doctors are forcing mothers into operations and second, women don’t know they don’t have to be forced into surgery!

Mothers, it’s time we realize that we are not only consumers of Big Macs, Britax carseats, diapers and breast pumps. We are consumers in the health care industry as well! The control lies in our hands. We make the demands and call the shots, if we believe we do. Our mothers are the reason we are no longer knocked out and “delivered” of our babies by forceps. Let our daughters be the ones to say that their mothers are the reason they are no longer bullied into unnecessary, unwanted surgeries, tied to metal tables, drained of blood and motherhood.

I am pregnant, not pathology. Refuse to be a womb pod!

Welcome to the Mad Hatter's Tea Party

2009-02-06T07:54:00.004-06:00

Hello, Alice! Welcome to the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, where everything that is, isn't, everything that isn't, may be, and everything you think you know is absolute nonsense.

Would you like a cup of tea?

(Too) much press has been given to the mother who recently gave birth to octuplets. I don't care why she wanted more children. I don't care about anything relating to this story except this: why would a doctor allow or enable this mother to make such a potentially life-threatening choice for herself and her babies, but women all over this country are not allowed to make the far less dangerous decision of having a VBAC?

Switch seats! Move down, move down!

Jill found this study. I won't post the abstract because Jill has already done that. I will say that what it shows is that it's not only the VBAC mothers who are at risk for uterine rupture. Will ACOG admit this? Issue a new practice bulletin, perhaps? Will OBs stop the near-universal use of Pitocin? Probably not. What will probably happen is that mothers will continue to be told that Pitocin is safe, that their risk of uterine rupture is zero if they haven't had a cesarean, and that it's too risky to have a VBAC.

Your glass isn't empty, clean cup! Clean cup! Move down!

Now for the grand finale. It seems as though the state of California has suspended state regulations in order for Nurse Midwives, Physician Assistants and Nurse Practitioners to be trained to perform abortions. From the article:

According to State Sen. Sam Annestad, a Republican from Grass Valley, the goal of the abortion program that carefully was concealed behind the description "expanding early pregnancy care" apparently is to train medical assistants to do abortions.

In a website commentary about his discoveries, Aanestad said it apparently was begun in 2006 without legislative oversight and involves the state and several foundations contributing financially to the "pilot program" at Planned Parenthood abortion businesses in three cities.

He said not only has the abortion-training program been concealed behind a "pregnancy care" label, state regulations have been suspended in order to allow "Nurse Midwives, Nurse Practitioners and Physician Assistants" to do procedures for which they would not ordinarily be considered qualified.

So, in many states we won't allow midwives to attend normal, healthy births...why? Because of the risk that mother or baby might die? However, in California midwives are being trained to (depending on your views of when life begins) end the life of a baby or prevent that life from ever beginning.

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? ~from Alice in Wonderland

HOW did I know?

2009-02-05T11:13:00.004-06:00

I just got home from my ultrasound and baby is definitely a girl (or a very, very unfortunate little boy). This means I'm 3 for 3 in knowing the gender of my child before an ultrasound tech tells me. For some reason that makes me feel very confident in knowing my body and my children. She's measuring perfectly-yay! We're planning on a very normal-sized baby this time. As one of my sisters said, "that's a huge accomplishment!" I gained 3lbs in the last 4 weeks, which puts me at 10lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. It's nice to not have to worry about my weight gain anymore!

Oh, and as you can see in my sidebar, our new little girl's name is Anna Lily! She will join her big sister, Sarah Elizabeth and her big brother, Caleb Joshua sometime at the end of June.

Just for fun!

2009-02-04T07:52:00.003-06:00

My children have become enamored with Mary Poppins ("Poppins" to my 2 year old), so the songs have been playing non-stop for days. This morning I payed closer attention to the song "Sister Suffragette" and thought it would make a nice song with a little tweaking. You can find the original lyrics here.

We're clearly soldiers prepared to fight
And dauntless crusaders for mothers’ rights
Though we adore OBs individually
We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!

Cast off the shackles of yesterday!
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughters' daughters will adore us
And they'll sing in grateful chorus"
Well done, Sister Birthragette!"

From West Coast to East Coast
One hears the restless cries!
From ev'ry corner of the land:
"Motherkind, arise!"
Birth choice equality, down with ACOG and then
Take heart! For mama midwives have been clapped in irons again!

No more the meek and mild subservients we!
We're fighting for our rights, militantly!
Never you fear!So, cast off the shackles of yesterday!
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughters' daughters will adore us
And they'll sing in grateful chorus
"Well done! Well done! Well done Sister Birthragette!"

And so it goes

2009-01-23T08:47:00.002-06:00

I feel as though I've been holding my breath for six months. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. They've been dropping hints of it here and there; asking me leading questions about each of my births, asking what I thought of theirs (both sections), praising their doctors' skills. Do I see accusations in their eyes when they talk to me? I feel so helpless in the face of their stunned realizations.

Sister A laments her scar. She had a bad infection after leaving the hospital and it had to be opened and drained. It's a thick, uneven scar that sort of "sticks out" where it had to be opened. It throbs and burns during her period, so much so that it brings her to tears. Is she crying from the pain or from the question of its necessity?

Her constant refrain these days is, "if they'd have just let me wait a little longer, I know I could have done it by myself!" They couldn't let her "wait" any longer though. After she got the epidural that she was assured carried no major risks, her blood pressure skyrocketed and her temperature shot up.

At a recent visit to the OB who cut her she asked if he "did VBACs". His answer was a pointy boot in the gut. "Oh sure we do VBACs, if your baby isn't too big or too small, if you don't gain too much weight, if you wait 2 years after your cesarean and if you go into labor before 40 weeks." Here response to me said it all: so basically he told me I can't have a VBAC!

Then there's Sister H. While Sister A has always been upset by her section, Sister H is only just beginning to have her doubts. She recently learned that the OB who cut her doesn't do VBACs. She didn't know a doctor could do that. I don't think she's quite brave enough to walk away from "her" beloved OB just yet, but still really wants to labor "to see what it's like." She told me that even if she "has" to have another section that she'd at least like to go into labor first. That doesn't sound like a woman who's afraid of any perceived VBAC risks. It sounds like a woman who's afraid that she might have let her OB make a bad decision for her last time, like a woman who wants to know her body isn't broken, and like a woman who wants to give her baby the benefit of being ready to be born.

By the way, Sister H had a section because her OB said baby was 11 or 12lbs. OB pulled out a 9lb baby.

I feel so absolutely stuck between my sisters! One wants me to tell her she made the right decision and the other wants me to tell her she can VBAC next time.

I won't lie to my sisters.

But if my silence made you leave

Then that would be my worst mistake

So I will share this room with you

And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed

It's just as well for all I've seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

~from Billy Joel's "And So It Goes"

Working on my labor shirt

2009-01-21T11:03:00.002-06:00

Since I'm going to be at the hospital for at least some of my labor (maybe), I've been working on a labor shirt or gown to wear for the labor and birth. I've always hated those hospital gowns that have the name of the hospital plastered all over them. Here's my current design. It's a plain white t-shirt with red letters:

What do you think?

A photo request

2009-01-19T08:10:00.003-06:00

I'm working on putting together what I hope will be a beautiful post. The last things I need are the following photos:

1. A pregnant woman standing near the ocean.
2. A picture of a laboring woman sweating.
3. A pregnant or laboring woman sitting with eyes closed.
4. A laboring woman surrounded by women.
5. A laboring woman with a strained or pained look on her face.
6. A mother resting with a fresh-squeezed baby.

If you have any of these photos and wouldn't mind me putting them on my blog, you can e-mail them to vbacwarrior at gmail dot com. If you have a blog I'd also be happy to link the photos to your blog. Thanks!

Today is the c-section anniversary

2009-01-12T06:10:00.004-06:00

Four years ago right now I was a happy, if a bit battle-worn, whole, young pregnant mother expecting to give birth to her first child in about three weeks. At 10:27 p.m. central time it will be four years since that changed.

So many people ask me, "how can you still be so upset about something that happened so long ago? It can't be that bad!" I'll admit that now, anyway, it's not "that bad"-not for most of the year. It's just this day. I ask myself that question a lot too,though. How can I, the woman who held her teenage sister's hand as a doctor told her that her baby boy had died just two weeks before he was due, I, the woman who watched that young body give birth to a lifeless body, I, a woman who knows, personally, that birth can so often only mean death, how can I be upset when I have such a bright, beautiful four-year-old, living, blessing in my life?

Though a scar will never be the same as the ache of a missing baby, I think my sister said it perfectly recently when she said, "it's not okay. it's never going to be okay because he's never coming back." This scar will never go away. Where there is a physical scar there always remains an emotional one.

I think it's worse for me this year because it's the first time I've been pregnant on the c-section anniversary. What is comforting today,though, is that when I look down my scar is eclipsed by my growing breasts and belly. For the next 5-6 months, at least, my scar will be invisible to me.

Still, a thought I can't get out of my head: I'm carrying a baby in a damaged uterus. My first baby had a whole home. My other two had to settle for second-best. They deserve so much better than that and it's something I'll never be able to give them.

YES! YES! YES! I'M DOING IT!!!!!

2009-01-08T09:51:00.002-06:00

I had my 16 week prenatal appointment today. Some small disappointing news: I lost 2lbs. No more ketones in my urine though, so the midwife was happy. She said she "wanted to see some weight" on me next time though. I told her, "have you LOOKED at my thighs?"

Now the really, really good, fabulous, wonderful, terrific, exciting, couldn't be any better news:

I'M GROWING A BABY!!!! She didn't take an actual numeric measurement from pubic bone to top of fundus, but she did feel for how high up it was. It's HIGHER than she would expect! Can you believe that?! I'm going to have a NORMAL-size baby!

What a happy day, today!

How My Babies (Don't) Grow

2009-01-06T15:43:00.004-06:00

This is what my babies looked like at birth

Sarah, 3lbs 10oz

Caleb, 5lbs, 2oz

On Weight and Wait

2009-01-06T09:02:00.002-06:00

Four weeks from now I will be 20 weeks pregnant. Four weeks from now I will have a prenatal appointment that will consist of a new element: the fundal height measurement.

This new stage of my pregnancy is one I dread. I dread it more than blood tests and cold hands. This will, in theory, tell the midwife how my baby is growing. My babies don't grow well. I had a 37 week 3lb 10oz baby and a 41 week 5lb 2oz baby. My pregnancies are plagued with alphabet soup: IUGR, SGA.

I'm a young, healthy, chubby woman. Why can't I grow a healthy weight, chubby baby? "Maybe you just grow small babies." That's what everyone says. I'm 5'1'', but so is my mother and she smoked and had 7 children all between 6-7lbs. My husband is six feet tall. Where are his genes in these babies? My MIL is even shorter than me and both of her babies weighed over 7lbs at birth. My 15 year old sister had a baby who weighed almost 8lbs and another sister recently gave birth to a 9lb baby. There's no way I "just grow small babies." Except...I do. I want to know why though and I want to change it. A week ago I had a dream that I gave birth to a delicious 9lb, 12oz baby. I don't know what "they'd" say about a VBAC mom pushing out an almost 10lb baby, but there's no doubt in my mind I could do it.

The night my first child was born, less than 4lbs, there was a mother who gave birth to 6lb twins. I cried. She could grow two babies to 6lbs but I couldn't even do that with just one. It's such a sad thing to give birth to a baby that looks like his mother has starved him for nine months...

HG and Me

2009-01-05T08:07:00.002-06:00

As I've mentioned before, I have suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum in a previous pregnancy (my first) and am again dealing with it during this pregnancy (my third). I lost close to 30 lbs with my first pregnancy and had a baby born at 37 weeks, 1 day weighing 3lbs, 10oz. Cause and effect? Well, my doctor said no, but she also couldn't tell me why she was so small. With my second pregnancy I wasn't sick, had better nutrition, and had a bigger baby. So, you be the judge.

This third pregnancy and second battle with HG have been horrifying. This time I have a two year old and four year old to take care of. I haven't been able to take very good care of them. The nausea has been much worse this time, not even abating at night. I was finally admitted to the hospital about 3 weeks ago. I stayed there for four days. The first day I didn't even try to eat anything. I just slept and let my fluids and nutrition come from my iv bag. The second day I sat up and sipped chicken broth and lemon jello. The third day I began drinking water by mouth and the fourth day I was keeping down pot roast and green beans.

Four days after leaving the hospital I had a weight check and had gained back 4lbs. There was some concern though because I still had ketones in my urine. Since I was, however, eating, drinking and gaining weight I was sent home instead of back to the hospital. This Thursday I go in for a regular 16 week prenatal appointment. I'm hoping I've gained a lot of weight and there are no more ketones. We'll see on Thursday. . .

Back for Good

2009-01-02T16:07:00.003-06:00

Wow, what a busy six months I've had! I moved to Alabama, got pregnant, moved back to Florida, celebrated the second anniversary of my first VBAC (my little guy's two?!), survived another busy holiday season and will soon remember (notice I don't say "celebrate") the fourth anniversary of my c-section and have a big party celebrating my big girl's 4th birthday.

I finally have internet access again and am glad to say that I'm back to Refuse to be a Womb Pod for good. Over the past 15 weeks of this pregnancy I've had many thoughts and experiences that I've wanted to explore here and it was frustrating to not have that capability. Among the "highlights" are a huge blow to my birth plans and a debilitating battle with HG. Thankfully I'm recovering from both. I haven't thrown up in about two weeks now and am down to taking the Zofran just once a day. I hate taking that medicine. It scares me to death. Maybe I'll be off it by next week :)

I have a small concern about my placenta, too. I know most of those who read here will think it's silly, but I think I may (again) have an anterior placenta. At almost 16 weeks pregnant with my third baby I have yet to feel any discernible movement. I'm absolutely confident that if I was feeling movement I'd know it at this point. I think the lack of feeling on my part is because of an anterior placenta. The midwife has also had a difficult time finding heart tones. With my last pregnancy, I had an anterior placenta as well. It didn't cause any problems as far as my cervix or cesarean scar were concerned, but I did have a very long labor with a malpositioned baby. While I describe that labor to anyone who'll listen as a "blast", I'd prefer a shorter "blast" this time.

I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long. Please check back often, as I'm hoping to be able to post at least every other day now!

Stay Tuned

2008-12-21T14:21:00.003-06:00

Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't had a computer for awhile (getting one for Christmas!) and I've been VERY ill. I was in the hospital last week for 4 days. I suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum. I've lost a lot of weight already, but hopefully everything is under control now. I'll be back and blogging very, very soon.

I have a LOT to say!

Merry Christmas :)

P.S., for those who asksed questions:
1. midwives in FL can attend home vbacs. I believe they have to have a "back up doctor" to sign off on it. No big deal, really, but I've heard it's very hard to find doctors to do this.

2. My midwife asked me if I'd like to be tested for AIDS. I said no, signed a form saying that I declined, and that was that. I believe the law is that the midwife has to ASK if you want to be tested.

VBAC IS PREGNANT!

2008-10-28T19:18:00.004-05:00

Woo hoo! I'm pregnant! Somewhere between five and seven weeks. I figure baby'll come in mid to late June. It's a nice time to have a baby :) I'll be moving back down to Florida so I can have a homebirth. There's just OBs and "underground" midwives here. The OBs want to cut me and the midwives won't touch me because I've had two "SGA" babies. Doesn't bother me though. I like Florida. It's home :) I'll actually be giving birth in my MIL's house. Odd situation, don't you think?

I'm SO... FREAKING... EXCITED! This baby was very unexpected. After my VBAC I wanted to have another baby RIGHT then. Obviously, that didn't happen. I did become pregnant unexpectedly when my baby was 4 months old but miscarried at 8 weeks. Now my vbac baby (Little Man) is 23 months old and we're all ready, willing and waiting! My nearly 4yo (Little Miss) can't wait. She asks, "Mommy can I kiss the baby?" I say yes. Then she lifts my shirt and says, "now remind me again where she is?" (she's dearly wishing for a sister). She also keeps smelling my head and saying, "MMMM! I LOVE that baby smell!"

Here was our recent conversation about how the baby will come out:

me: do you remember where the baby will come out?
4yo: yes, from your v*.
me: that's right.
4yo: can I help you push her out?
me: well, I have to do all the work but you can hold my hand
4yo: but I WANT TO HELP YOU PUSH HER OUT!
me: well, it's not really something you can help me with. I'll be pushing kinda like when you have a hard time going to the bathroom.
4yo: oh, so you're pooping the baby out of your v*?
me: well, kinda.

Too funny! She's going to be hilarious at the birth. She'll be 4 1/2 when the big day arrives.

My Own Words

2008-09-10T14:53:00.002-05:00

This is from my c-section poem




This is from my vbac poem

On Laundry and Birthin'

2008-09-10T14:18:00.002-05:00

Leslie made a comment on Robyn's blog this afternoon. The comment itself is about hand-washing laundry, but as I was reading I was amazed by how perfectly the same comment could have been written about unmedicated and home birthing. Take out the words laundry and clothes and insert birth and birthing, and you have a beautiful commentary on birth the way it can be.

Increased consciousness, properly managed, leads to increased gratitude. Increased gratitude, clearly seen and properly attributed, leads to God. It is a grave mistake to assume that the so-called modern way of doing things is necessarily the better way. Deeper analysis, observation and mostly honest to goodness personal experience is required to really assess even these seemingly simple activities.
It is all in the subtleties."

What's a "Womb Pod"?

2008-09-08T14:21:00.002-05:00

Someone asked me today, "what is a womb pod"? Have you heard of BirthTrack? It's fascinating new technology! You can read all about it here. See the picture? That, dear mama, is a "womb pod".

When they came for me, there was no one left

2008-09-02T11:36:00.004-05:00

CONTACT: Steff Hedenkamp, (816) 506-4630, steff@thebigpushformidwives.org

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Monday, September 1, 2008

Number Two With a Bullet

Critical Women’s Health Issues Neglected as Physician Group Yet Again Sets its Sites on Midwives

WASHINGTON, D.C. (September 1, 2008)—In the newest phase of its ongoing effort to deny women the right to choose their maternity care providers and birth settings, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) has announced that eliminating access to midwives who specialize in out-of-hospital birth is now the second most important issue on its state legislative agenda. This move puts restricting access to trained midwives ahead of such critical issues as contraceptive equity, ensuring access to emergency contraception, and the prevention and treatment of perinatal HIV/AIDS.

“ACOG claims to be an advocate of women’s health and choice, but when it comes to the right to choose to deliver your baby in the privacy of your own home with a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM) who is specifically trained to provide the safest care possible, ACOG’s paternalistic colors bleed through,” said Susan M. Jenkins, Legal Counsel for the Big Push for Midwives Campaign. “It is astonishing that an organization that purports to be a champion of women’s healthcare would put a petty turf battle that affects less than one percent of the nation’s childbearing women ahead of pressing issues that have an impact on nearly every woman in this country. If this is not dereliction of duty, I can’t imagine what is.”

In recent years, ACOG has led a well-financed campaign to fight legislative reforms that would license and regulate CPMs and has now teamed up with the American Medical Association (AMA) to promote legislation that would prevent families from choosing to give birth at home. Despite these joint efforts, the groups have not been successful in defeating the groundswell of grassroots activism in support of full access to a comprehensive range of maternity care options that meet the needs of all families.

“Wisconsin is a good example of what ACOG and the AMA are up against,” said Jane Crawford Peterson, CPM, Advocacy Trainer for The Big Push. “Our bipartisan grassroots coalition of everyday people from across the state managed to defeat the most powerful and well-financed special interest groups in Wisconsin, all on an expenses-only budget of $3000 during a legislative session in which $47 million was spent on lobbying. When you try to deny women the fundamental and very personal right to choose where and how to give birth, they will get organized and they will let their elected officials know that restrictions on those rights cannot stand.”

Noting these successes, ACOG has recently launched its own grassroots organizing effort, calling on member physicians to recruit their patients to participate in its “Who Will Deliver My Baby?” medical liability reform campaign.

“ACOG itself admits that we’re facing a critical shortage of maternity care providers,” said Steff Hedenkamp, Communications Coordinator for the Big Push. “They certainly realize that medical liability reform is nothing more than a band aid and that increasing access to midwives and birth settings is critical to fixing our maternity care system and ensuring that rural, low-income and uninsured women don’t fall through the cracks. Midwives represent an essential growth segment of the U.S. pool of maternity care providers, but instead of putting the healthcare needs of women first, ACOG would rather devote its considerable lobbying budget to a last-ditch attempt to protect its own bottom line. This is not a happy Labor Day for our nation’s mothers and babies.”

The Big Push for Midwives (http://www.TheBigPushforMidwives.org) is a nationally coordinated campaign organized to advocate for regulation and licensure of Certified Professional Midwives (CPMs) in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, and to push back against the attempts of the American Medical Association and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists to deny American families access to safe and legal midwifery care. The campaign plays a critical role in building a new model of U.S. maternity care delivery at the local and regional levels, at the heart of which is the Midwives Model of Care, based on the fact that pregnancy and birth are normal life processes. Media inquiries: Steff Hedenkamp (816) 506-4630, steff@thebigpushformidwives.org.

#####

The Big Push for Midwives Campaign is fiscally sponsored by Sustainable Markets Foundation, a not-for-profit organization recognized as tax-exempt under Internal Revenue Code section 501(c)(3). The mission of the Big Push for Midwives is to build winning, state-level advocacy campaigns towards successful regulation and licensure of Certified Professional Midwives (CPMs) in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico.

Visit the Big Push for Midwives Campaign on the Web at www.TheBigPushforMidwives.org.

Sustainable Markets Foundation | 80 Broad Street, Suite 1600 | New York, NY 10004-2248

The Big Push for Midwives Campaign | 2300 M Street, N.W., Suite 800 | Washington, D.C. 20037-1434

And Then There Were Three. . .

2008-08-29T10:45:00.005-05:00

vbacwarrior, January 2005

Sister A, July 2008

Sister H, August 2008

Three blind mice
Three blind mice
See how they run
See how they run
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a thing in your life

As three blind mice?

VBAC IS BACK!

2008-08-28T12:20:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't been around. We moved to a different state, and then. . .

my two sisters had c-sections. *sob* TWO! TWO sisters each had a c-section!! Four weeks apart, exactly. Same hospital, different doctors. Different reasons. I'm not ashamed to say that it PISSES me off. I'm fuming...FUMING!!! I am raging freaking mad.

The first one, I'll call her sister A, suffered from an infection at her incision site. Her son has been re-hospitalized for illness and infections, as well. Surprise, surprise. My second sister, sister H, is now battling deep depression and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. Again, surprise, surprise! All KNOWN possible side-effects of a section.

Unbelievable. Un-be-freaking-lievable! There are five of us sisters. Three have now had c-sections. 3 out of 5. How are those statistics for you?

I love my sisters. I love them dearly. I'm not mad at them. I'm mad that they fell victim to a system that chews up mothers and babies and spits out dollar bills. They're my sisters, but to our maternity "care" system, they're just money and liabilities. My sisters were cut because two doctors had to put food on the table for their children. They care more about their own families than other people's. What kind of messed up system do we have that makes doctors, so-called "care providers", choose between the health and safety of their families and the health and safety of others?

What I want to know is WHO is responsible for the United States maternity care system? Who gave control of it to malpractice insurance companies? You know who you are. . . and listen. Listen to me. You've pissed off one mama too many. There are more mothers in this country than there are of 'you', and you're going down.

I have a sword of knowledge.
I have a shield of courage.
I have armour of compassion.

What doctors have to say for themselves

2008-06-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

from this article

my comments are in blue

• I was told in school to put a patient in a gown when he isn't listening or cooperating. It casts him in a position of subservience.
--Chiropractor, Atlanta

(is this why pregnant moms are put into gowns?)

• The most unsettling thing for a physician is when the patient doesn't trust you or believe you.
--Obstetrician-gynecologist, New York City

(and yet... you continue to lie to your patients...)

• Taking psychiatric drugs affects your insurability. If you take Prozac, it may be harder and more expensive for you to get life insurance, health insurance, or long-term-care insurance.
--Daniel Amen, MD, psychiatrist, Newport Beach, California

(but doctors are VERY anxious to prescribe them, especially postpartum mothers)

• Avoid Friday afternoon surgery. The day after surgery is when most problems happen. If the next day is Saturday, you're flying by yourself without a safety net, because the units are understaffed and ERs are overwhelmed because doctors' offices are closed.
--Heart surgeon, New York City

(so better think twice when you're scheduling your c-section. All the more reason to take a closer look at the catastrophically high section rate in this country!)

• Not a day goes by when I don't think about the potential for being sued. It makes me give patients a lot of unnecessary tests that are potentially harmful, just so I don't miss an injury or problem that comes back to haunt me in the form of a lawsuit.
--ER physician, Colorado Springs, Colorado

(and THIS, ladies, is why you get so many tests when you're pregnant. NOT because they're necessary and save so many lives.)

• It's pretty common for doctors to talk about their patients and make judgments, particularly about their appearance.
--Family physician, Washington, D.C.

(WOW! Really makes ya wanna plop your wide butt onto that table and open your legs now, doesn't it?)

• In most branches of medicine, we deal more commonly with old people. So we become much more enthusiastic when a young person comes along. We have more in common with and are more attracted to him or her. Doctors have a limited amount of time, so the younger and more attractive you are, the more likely you are to get more of our time.
--Family physician, Washington, D.C.

(just in case you wanted another reason to hate growing older!)

• At least a third of what doctors decide is fairly arbitrary.
--Heart surgeon, New York City

("your pelvis is too small, your baby is too big, your baby is too little, you're overdue, you've gained too much weight, you need to be induced, you need a c-section, it's dangerous not to have an iv...)

60% of doctors don't follow hand-washing guidelines.
Source: CDC Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report

96% of doctors agree they should report impaired or incompetent colleagues or those who make serious mistakes, but ...

46% of them admit to having turned a blind eye at least once.
Source: Annals of Internal Medicine

94% of doctors have accepted some kind of freebie from a drug company.
Source: New England Journal of Medicine

Chat with me!

2008-06-22T18:40:00.000-05:00

If anyone is interested, I now have an AIM screen name: vbacwarrior.

Hubris: A Master Class

2008-06-21T15:34:00.001-05:00

The American Medical Association (AMA) recently issued a resolution that clearly shows their intent to legislate women out of home birth. The resolution reads, in part,

"RESOLVED, That our AMA develop model legislation in support of the concept that the safest setting for labor, delivery, and the immediate post-partum period is in the hospital, or a birthing center within a hospital complex, that meets standards jointly outlined by the AAP and ACOG, or in a freestanding birthing center that meets the standards of the Accreditation Association for Ambulatory Health Care, The Joint Commission, or the American Association of Birth Centers.” (Directive to Take Action)"

and can be found here (click on Resolution 205)

Earlier this year, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) issued a "Statement on Home Births" that reads, in part,

"The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reiterates its long-standing opposition to home births. While childbirth is a normal physiologic process that most women experience without problems, monitoring of both the woman and the fetus during labor and delivery in a hospital or accredited birthing center is essential because complications can arise with little or no warning even among women with low-risk pregnancies.
ACOG acknowledges a woman's right to make informed decisions regarding her delivery and to have a choice in choosing her health care provider, but ACOG does not support programs that advocate for, or individuals who provide, home births. Nor does ACOG support the provision of care by midwives who are not certified by the American College of Nurse-Midwives (ACNM) or the American Midwifery Certification Board (AMCB). "

I can (theoretically) understand obstetric and other medical organizations not being fully supportive of home birth. Could you imagine the blow to hospital revenue if even 50% of low-risk women chose home birth with a midwife as opposed to hospital birth with an OB?

What is absolutely outrageous to me is the hubris of these organizations! In their statement, ACOG says that they "acknowledge a woman's right to make informed decisions regarding her delivery and to have a choice in choosing her health care provider". Apparently, though, part of our "right to make informed decisions" does *not* include the right to choose home birth with a midwife.

BRAVO, AMA and ACOG for so condescendingly joining "Big Brother" and "Father Knows Best" !

I've heard so many women say, "they'll never do that" or "that will never happen" (passing legislation making home birth illegal). Don't you see, though, that it IS happening? These powerful organizations are joining forces and if they try hard enough, and women continue to sit on their "they'll never do it" duffs, it's GOING to happen.

I don't agree with "hospital birth for the masses", but I believe in the right to choose. Even if you don't think home birth is right for you, don't you agree that each mother should be free to choose for herself?

Two things I would ask that you consider doing are:

1. Contact your representative

2. Write to ACOG Government Relations at
Government Relations Staff
Mailing Address:
PO Box 96920
Washington, DC 20090-6920

We Interrupt This Blog

2008-05-19T09:03:00.003-05:00

This post will be pretty off-topic, but I love my city so I wanted to share this.

Four hundred fifty days before its 450th birthday, Pensacola will begin the celebration.

The public is invited to the kick-off event to "Celebrate Pensacola" at 5 p.m. Friday at the Escambia County Courthouse. The culmination of the celebration will come on Aug. 15, 2009, with a big birthday party.

Don Tristan de Luna and his band of Spanish explorers sloshed ashore somewhere along Pensacola Bay in 1559. Two years later, the settlement was gone, besieged by a hurricane and other problems.

As for my personal part in the festivities and celebration, I have followed this template and written my "where I'm from" poem. Enjoy!

Where I’m From

I am from a hot sidewalk on tanned bare feet, from Cool Whip and melting grape Popsicles and sounds like Pepsi Cola.

I am from the house with seventeen pine trees and two banana trees, a yard filled with children, a grill that always smells like last night’s barbecue and a cracked concrete patio stained with muddy foot (and paw) prints.

I am from palm trees and orange blossom, azaleas and sand-spurs, seaweed and the gritty ocean breeze, from sand in your hair and in your toes and everywhere in between.

I am from vowells and dabbs, with a Half but no Steps, Granddad’s hidden candy bars, Mary’s back rubs and money, both old and new.

From “wait ‘til your daddy gets home,” Stille Nacht and don’t wake the baby (there was always a baby).

I am from three-to-a-tub, mom’s home at five and the great Blue Birds flyin’ in that hot Florida sky.

I am from faithful church-hopping, endless summertime VBS and always, always Hopkins wax paper-covered, fat-filled absolutely the most delicious Southern fare this side of anywhere.

I’m from Spanish lore and conquistadors, quests for gold, Five Flags and forts of old.

From the time Great Uncle I forget who nearly chopped his foot off cutting wood and had it wrapped in turpentine and rags because there was no hospital and mama and daddy honeymooning on a beach they didn’t know was topless.

I am from the backs of closets, lining the walls. From baskets and under beds and in old backpacks and all those nightgowns mama got for each birth (there were seven). From seven birth certificates, first-day-of-school shoes, three sets of bunk beds, and from knowing five different ways to get anywhere I want to go.

From survives hurricanes and supports troops, from trains pilots and tans visitors. From hopefully not many shark attacks and knowing that horrible secret that takes the yee-ow from a jellyfish sting. From knowing a red light means stop and a red flag means don’t go in the water.

And knowing in my heart that Dorothy Gail had it right, except that maybe there’s no place like home and the people who make it so.

The legacy my mother leaves

2008-05-11T22:03:00.000-05:00

I am the oldest of seven children. There are five girls and two boys. The boys are right in the middle: girl, girl, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl. Seven singletons. No twins (and, because we were often asked: no, we’re not Catholic).

My mother had three vaginal births, then a c-section, then three VBACs. Her VBACs were in the late 80s, early 90s.

All seven of my mother’s births were epidural-free hospital births. For her cesarean she had general anesthesia because it was an emergency situation and there was no time for an epidural or spinal.

I am 27 years old and my youngest sibling will be 16 in June.

This is the birth legacy my mother left to her children:

Birth is usually safe.

Judicious use of life-saving medical technology is imperative.

A mother’s pain or discomfort should not trump her child’s well-being.

Babies should be born vaginally if at all possible.

Cesareans should be considered carefully, and should only be performed when the life of the mother or child is in immediate danger.

This is the legacy I hope to leave my children as well.

Happy Mother’s Day!

At da doctor in case your house is on fire

2008-05-09T19:59:00.000-05:00

This is my daughter discussing what she has been taught about birth. When asked, she says babies come out of the "fer-gina", but if for some reason the baby can't come out of the vagina, the "doctor cuts a hole" for the baby to come out. She also says that we have our babies at home, unless there is an emergency. In her mind, an "emergency" is your house being on fire. So she says, "you have your baby at da doctor in case your house is on fire"

International Midwives Day

2008-05-05T12:25:00.003-05:00

Happy Midwives Day! To celebrate, I am going to show the blogosphere what my midwife did for me.

This is a picture of my son and me leaving the hospital. I'm smiling and laughing because I'm so happy to be leaving the hospital with my gut intact. My midwife did that!

This is the photo montage of Caleb's birth. What a wonderful gift a midwife is!!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

On this night

2008-04-26T18:52:00.001-05:00

On this night, a dear friend of mine is laboring with her second child. She has carried this baby for just over 44 weeks. She has been patient and loving with this baby. We don't know if baby is a boy or girl.

With her permission, I will post her birth story after it's written.

We love you, V!

VBACwarrior's birthday

2008-04-22T16:35:00.001-05:00

Following is the story of my birth, told by the woman who did it!

April 21, 1981 at 9:00 am I walked into the Conerstone Clinic for women only one day before my due date of April 22, 1981. Dr. Smith came into the room and asked "how are you today?" My reply was "ready to have this baby." I had no idea what I was having but I wanted a girl very much. After examining me he estimated another 2 weeks or so. I thought to myself you are crazy I can't wait another 2 weeks! After all I had gained 30 pounds already. I was not thinning and not dilated at all. I was very upset and went on to work.

I worked for 5 doctors who were also anxious to hear my news. After telling them the news, the older doctor pulled me aside and told me to jump rope during my breaks and lunch break. I thought it was worth a try! I got off work at 5:00 that evening and went home and fixed dinner, cleaned up a bit around the house(nesting) and ate dinner while watching TV. At about 8:00 I had my first contraction. I believed that this would be like any other night of Braxton Hicks but they kept on coming doing the traditional longer, stronger and closer together. By 9:30 I called my labor coach and best friend who was at work as a labor and delivery nurse in Baptist Hospital in Little Rock, Arkansas. She wanted me to be checked before she went home. I went in carrying my pillows and bag just in case. To my surprise I was 2-3 centimeters and I believe about 50 percent effaced.Wow progress since this morning. They monitored me for a few minutes and decided I was a keeper.

The worst part of the whole labor was the soap sud enema. They actually cleaned me out with soap suds. How humiliating could it get!!! After that, I walked the halls and stopped to breathe during the contractions. By about 4 am I was wearing thin and decided to rest a while in bed. Longer, stronger and closer together they came. The hee hees were becoming harder and harder to do. The music I was listening to irritated the heck out of me! The nurse insisted by 5:30 that I try a little Demerol because they thought maybe they could break my water and make it go a little faster for me. Bam water broke and transition began!!! Oh that nasty Demerol I just wanted this to be over now. When my water was broken there was meconium in the water. It was about 7:45am and they said the lucky number finally... 10!Now you can push and I said NO NO NO I am afraid they said push now or we will have to cut you then I said OK. Three pushes later a beautiful olive complected blonde daughter was born, Rebecca, at 8:17 am weighing 6lbs 6 1/2 oz.

My mom would go on to have six more children. Her fourth child was born via (true) emergency c-section because of a placental abruption. After that, she had three unmedicated hospital VBACs.

Birthing Freedom Advocacy Campaign- I need your help!

2008-04-19T19:56:00.001-05:00

I am attempting to begin a cesarean awareness campaign via this blog.

I need a "slogan" for the campaign. It's going to be "one if by ___, two if by ___" (a play on the Paul Revere "one if by land, two if by sea" story) and I need ideas as to what to fill in the blanks with. Some ideas already suggested are

cut/push

scalpel/design

above/below

The idea is to have women (and their daughters, friends, mothers, aunts, midwives, etc) from all over the United States (and the world) submit pictures to the blog. Everyone in the pictures should be holding up two fingers (like a "peace" sign). This symbolizes several things:

1. it's the "peace" sign (as in, advocating birthing with gentleness and not violence)

2. It's two fingers, meaning they choose the second choice (two if by____ )

3. It's a "V" for vaginal birth

4. It's a "V" for VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)

Also, I'd love to get a birthing freedom version of THIS POEM going. I have stanzas 1 and 13 covered. I just need stanzas 2-12. If you'd like to take a stanza, please send me a messege letting me know which one, and then send it to me when you're done with it (along with the number stanza you "re-wrote") Here's an example of a re-written first stanza:

Listen my children and you shall hear

Of the midnight birth of sweet baby dear

On the fourth of July, in Seventy-five;

Hardly a woman is now alive

Who remembers that’s how babies get here

Please send me your ideas in the comments section. Thanks for your help, birthin' mamas!!

Birthing Freedom Advocacy Campaign- I need your help!

2008-04-19T19:56:00.000-05:00

I am attempting to begin a cesarean awareness campaign via this blog.

cut/push

scalpel/design

above/below

On the fourth of July, in Seventy-five;

Hardly a woman is now alive

Who remembers that’s how babies get here

Please send me your ideas in the comments section. Thanks for your help, birthin' mamas!!

Stay "tuned" for Tuesday!

2008-04-19T09:24:00.000-05:00

Coming Tuesday:

The story of my birth, written by the woman who did it! You'll find it in my journal post on Tuesday (my birthday!)

It was 27 years ago, in the year 1981. I was the first of what would later be seven children for my mother. She was 23 years old. She labored flat on her back while making herself hyperventilate (Lamaze hee-hee-hoo breathing) and try as she might, looking at a picture of a flower didn't make laboring on her back any easier.

Stay "tuned" for the rest of the story on Tuesday.

Why I don't deal in statistics

2008-04-10T20:06:00.001-05:00

I watched the ABC story tonight about Randy Pausch, who is dying of terminal cancer. Something he said really spoke to me when I thought about Cesarean Awareness Month. He said not to tell people how to live their lives. “Tell them stories,” he said. They’ll figure out how your story applies to their lives.

Just tell me your story. Tell an OB your story. Tell another mother your story. Or a nurse. Or your blog readers. Or your colleagues. Tell your daughter.

Leave the statistics, for now, to the scientists. They’ll spin statistics any which way they want to anyway.

A cesarean is more than an unnecessary or a life-saving surgery. It’s more than a mother strapped to a table or seeing your baby over that screen for the first time. It’s more than life or death. It’s more than right or wrong. A cesarean is a story that begins a life, and whether we like it or not, a mother who makes a decision to have a cesarean is choosing what she believes to be the safest birth for her baby.

If we want to reach mothers and really impact positive change, we need to tell our stories. If I tell a mother that statistics show women are less likely to have more children after a cesarean, she’ll just tell me that she had five children and five c-sections and she’s “just fine.” So what you need to say instead is that you had a c-section and experienced secondary infertility, or that you labored with Pitocin, had a ruptured uterus and a hysterectomy and now you can’t have more children. Or simply say you had a cesarean and now you’re scared to do it again, so you don’t have any more children.

There are so many choices to make each time you begin the journey to motherhood. Many of the choices aren’t easy ones to make. I think one of our goals should be to help mothers make these choices out of love, instead of fear. A mother should not be scared into a cesarean by words such as, “your baby is too big”, “your uterus will explode,” or “your baby is overdue”. Our children, and their children, are counting on us to protect normal, healthy birth. Nothing in life is without risks. Even with a cesarean, there are risks. Sometimes a c-section is the only way (placenta previa, for example). Sometimes it is necessary but preventable (induction on due date, epidural, mom immobilized, baby’s heart rate crashes). Sometimes, it’s just plain unnecessary (unreliable 38 week ultrasound says baby is over 8lbs so a section is scheduled for 39 weeks, and baby is born weighing just 7lbs).

Should I need to see an OB for a future pregnancy, I would ask her to hear my stories. I would tell her that I had a c-section and it made me cry. I’d tell her that it hurt my feelings that she and her colleagues talked over my naked body like I wasn’t there. I would tell her that she was a good surgeon and my physical scar healed nicely, but that inside I still hurt. I would tell her that more than anything, what I want from my pregnancy and labor care provider is to be listened to, loved and treated with respect.

Don’t let your voice fade or your story be forgotten.

for more information about cesareans, cesarean awareness, or VBACs please visit ICAN

In Honor of Cesarean Awareness Month

2008-04-01T12:12:00.001-05:00

A terrible injustice was done to my daughter three years ago. She was prematurely, surgically sliced from my abdomen on an unusually warm January night.

I can’t change the fact that she was taken from my womb. That she now faces future problems such as asthma, IBS, and who knows what else! I can’t take that back and I can’t make it right.

But I’m standing up for my daughter now. I will not allow an insurance company, a hospital, a doctor, her majesty AABC, the almighty ACOG, lawyers with tied hands, nay not even the Supreme Court to tell me how, when, why, where or with whom I birth my future babies, or your future babies, or my daughter’s future babies.

These entities work for us, ladies! We hire them. I don’t tell Dr. Knifewielder how to pleasure his wife and I’m not going to let him tell me how I must birth my baby.

To these ends I hereby declare that I, vbacwarrior and United States Birthing Mother, revoke all current and future support of any individual, institution or governing body that does not support mother-baby friendly birth choices and practices.

What does this mean? It means that except in the case of a dire emergency,

I will not go to a hospital with a skyrocketing c-section rate.

I will also not go to a hospital that currently has a vbac ban, defacto or otherwise.

If I require medical attention, I will not seek care from a physician whose c-section rate is higher than 15% (I will drive to another city or out of state, if necessary)

I will not participate in conversations about obstetricians who have cesarean rates higher than 15% unless it is to speak about the dangers of seeing such a physician for normal pregnancy care.

I will see a non-OB affiliated midwife for well-woman care.

I will write to my congressman each month, encouraging him to help pass legislation in favor of mother-baby friendly birth practices and midwifery.

If asked, I will never recommend an OB to a woman with a low-risk pregnancy.

I will write letters-to-the-editor each month (or more often if allowed) about the dangers of the current c-section rate in this country.

I will become a doula and support women in their pregnancies, births and postpartum.

I will raise my daughter to know and appreciate what normal birth is.

I am only one mother, one voice, one pocketbook. Won’t you join me, beginning today, in my quest to hit the Obstetric Machine in the money belt?

For more information on Cesarean Awareness Month, cesarean sections or vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean) please visit www.ican-online.org

Why I do not support the March of Dimes

2008-03-24T16:01:00.000-05:00

March of Dimes ignores abortion-prematurity link

"We're dedicated to improving the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality." from the MOD website

According to www.afterabortion.info

"Latent post-abortion cervical damage may result in subsequent cervical incompetence, premature delivery, and complications of labor."

"Uterine damage may result in complications in later pregnancies "

"Abortion increases the risk of placenta previa in later pregnancies" (many mothers with placenta previa have to deliver their babies prematurely)

"Women who had one, two, or more previous induced abortions are, respectively, 1.89, 2.66, or 2.03 times more likely to have a subsequent pre-term delivery, compared to women who carry to term."

Women seeking abortions should be given accurate information about all the risks (both immediate and in the future) of abortion.

I also believe that the March of Dimes should get off their hypocritical butts and start INFORMING the public about the link between abortion and prematurity.

Dear baby sister

2008-03-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

This post will contain many Christian references. If that makes you uncomfortable I apologize, but my faith plays a significant part in my birthing philosophy. If my Savior can be born on a dusty floor among smelly livestock, then surely my children can be born in the comfort and safety of our home.

I’ve wanted to write this to you for a year now and just haven’t found the time. Or maybe I had the time and the words just wouldn’t come to me the way I hoped they would. I wanted you to know what an impact your pregnancy and the loss of your son have had on my life.

I’ve heard many times that when a teenage girl loses her baby, it must be “God’s punishment” for her being sexually active outside of marriage. I wholeheartedly disagree. First, “children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward” (Psalms 127:3 KJV). He would never use a child to punish someone. Second, I believe that if any “punishment” is necessary, the trials of raising a child at 15 should serve as punishment enough.

There was an article in ParentLife magazine this month that really spoke to me when I thought about you and your son. The author writes, “He was ready for [him] to join Him in heaven, and He chose you to carry out [his] fate because He knew you’d be strong enough to handle it.” The Lord didn’t give you a son and then take him to punish you. A child is a blessing, whether you’re 15 or 40. I hope you don’t find this selfish on my part, but for me, Izaiah’s life and death helped me on my second pregnancy journey. After having had such a horrifying pregnancy and c-section with Sarah, my faith in God and faith in His creation of birth was severely shaken. Broken. I said I wanted to give birth to my son at home, and the way I was designed to give birth, but in my heart I didn’t really believe that would happen. I didn’t think I could do it and I didn’t think the Lord would help me.

If Izaiah’s death was not to punish you, then what was the purpose? What was the purpose of his short little life? It was no accident that mom wasn’t free to take you do the doctor the day you found out Izaiah had died. It wasn’t an accident that I was a stay-at-home-mom and everyone else in the family either worked or was at school that morning. The Lord purposed for my hand to be the one holding yours when the doctor walked in to tell us. Then to see you laboring that night, and all the next day for a baby who would never see your face, spoke to my soul. The Lord protected you through a terrible day and a half pitocin-induced labor. He gave you grace and peace. Before you got the epidural, and you were feeling your body painfully hug your sweet departed son, you never yelled out to anyone, “just take this dead baby out of me!” No one would have blamed you if you had. Labor can be painful even when the mother knows there is a sweet reward waiting just on the other side. For only sadness and pain to be awaiting you, everyone would have understood.

Then two months later, my son was conceived. A son, just like yours. How could I not have faith after witnessing your trial? Could I honestly say that the Lord protected a 15 year old girl through trying pregnancy and death of her son, but would not protect me as I birthed my son at home after having had a cesarean? I did worry during my pregnancy. I worried that my son would die before I saw his face. But then I would think about you and Izaiah, and I would trust the Lord. I would think about your love for your son, and the Father’s love for you, and I would trust Him.

I pray that I will never truly know your loss, and I pray that the Lord will continually teach you and draw you closer to him through it. I thank the Lord often for Izaiah’s life and death. Izaiah’s death and Caleb’s birth have taken me to a place in my relationship with the Lord that would not have been possible otherwise. I hope, I hope… that this can bring some comfort to you sister.

Between a knife and a lonely place

2008-03-02T20:15:00.001-06:00

My husband has gotten a wonderful new job. In most ways, it’s going to be a very good thing for our little family. We will be able to (finally!) be out of debt. Absolutely, 100% out of debt. We’re going to be renting a home instead of buying, so we won’t even have a mortgage debt. I can’t begin to describe how free and liberated and, dare I say, autonomous, that makes this 26 year old mama feel!

And yet, this change is also a sense-of-self-shattering experience. We will be moving from Florida to Georgia. Here in Florida I had a wonderful midwife to attend my planned homebirth, even though it was only my second birth and my first was a c-section. I had absolutely no trouble finding this midwife. She has incredible experience, great compassion, deep dark knowledge of what birth can be and what it sometimes is, and an amazing relationship with a local perinatologist, making hospital transports seamless for the mother. In Georgia, I will have to fight. I will have to earn (if I haven’t already) the warrior in vbacwarrior. I have spoken with several midwives already. Most won’t attend a birth with me because I have a scar on my uterus. The ones I found who attend vbacs (secondary vbacs, only) either won’t attend a birth with me because we’ll live more than an hour from them, or they’re “uncomfortable” with me because I’ve had two SGA babies.

Where does this leave me? It makes me feel very small and insignificant, indeed. Trapped between a knife and a lonely place. I’ve had to ask myself, for the first time: what am I prepared to do to have what my head and my heart both feel is a “safe birth” for my future tiny blessing? Because I must take into consideration my husband’s feelings, UC is not an option. I must have a birth attendant, so whom do I choose? If I could find a CNM in Georgia who would attend a secondary vbac, what good would it do me? She will be under an OB’s thumb, leaving me no better off than having an OB him/herself. Then there’s the hospital. I absolutely refuse to go to a hospital for a normal pregnancy, labor and birth. What other choice do I have though? We’re only moving about four hours from where we are now, so the possibility exists that I may be able to move back down here for a few months. Then I could have my midwife and homebirth too. Even with this option, how will I get my prenatal care? Will a homebirth midwife provide this care for me, knowing that I will be leaving for the actual birth? If I choose a CNM or an OB for prenatal care, will I have to offer up my body to the barrage of tests inflicted upon pregnant women?

Navelgazing Midwife, Kneeling Woman… what say you? What is a woman in my position supposed to do? We are being sliced by OB’s and abandoned by midwives. Can you look me in the face (or in the blog, as it were) and say that you are happily willing to sacrifice me for the “greater good”? What about my baby? Most women today don’t want midwives. WHY do you insist upon “marketing” yourselves to these women, when you have women, mothers like me who are begging, pleading for a midwife? A safe birth. Are you really content transitioning to a sheep in wolf’s clothing?

What happened to “with woman”?

What my first OB did to my daughter

2008-02-21T09:27:00.002-06:00

This is Sarah on January 12, 2005. She was born at 37 weeks, 1 day. She weighed 3 lbs, 10oz and was 16 inches long. The OB who performed the surgery was not the OB who let me starve.

Why are you anthropomorphizing the scar so much?

2008-02-20T15:26:00.000-06:00

Susanne (I’d link to her blog here, but I don’t know if she has one) asked me this question

“Wow, Becky. What's the big deal of "So mama can begin life with The Scar"? Why are you anthropomorphizing the scar so much? What's the big deal about having one? What does it stop you from doing, and why does it bear any relevance whatsoever in your life the moment it heals?”

Anthropomorphizing basically means to place human characteristics upon that which is not human. In literature, we call it personification. Until you asked your question, I hadn’t thought about it. After looking back at some of what I’ve written, I think it’s because if I give the Scar a life and character of it’s own, I can detach from it. The Scar is not me; the Scar is the Scar. It’s an ugly scar and I don’t like to think of it as part of my body. My body was “fearfully and wonderfully made” and this Scar surely was not.

What does the Scar stop me from doing? Why does it bear any relevance in my life? Because I have this scar I cannot give birth in a birth center. Because I have this scar, many midwives are legally not allowed to attend my births. Because I have this scar, there is a very large number of hospitals around this country that will not “allow” me to give birth as I was created to. Because of this scar, there is a dwindling number of doctors who would attend my subsequent vaginal births. Because of this scar, I will be forced to drive long distances to find a willing care provider. Because of this scar, I have to hear comments from ignorant strangers and family members, “but aren’t you afraid your uterus will explode?!”

Because of this Scar.

My chicken pox scars don’t prevent me from doing anything. No one worries about my old pimple scars. OBs don’t mind if you have old scars from a broken wrist.

Hush little baby

2008-02-16T11:50:00.001-06:00

Hush Little Baby
(The American birth experience version)

Hush little baby don’t say a word

Mama’s got the best doctor in the world

And if he says to stay in bed

mama won’t worry her little head

And if he says here take this drug

mama’s gonna trust his lyin’ mug

And when they strap her belly tight

Mama tries to hold still with all her might

And when some food would sure taste nice

Mama has to beg for chips of ice

And if that baby just won’t come

Mama’s just fine, she’s almost numb

And then they’ll wheel her to the OR

So mama can begin life with The Scar

Now mama’s high and gutted good

And baby’s choking down fake nursery food

But it’s okay, baby don’t you fear

The only thing that matters is that you’re here

We are the damaged, but not the broken

2008-02-15T18:36:00.001-06:00

Even SHE can see

2008-02-15T10:08:00.003-06:00

I posted this picture several weeks ago, but I wanted to revisit it. My daughter was looking at the original drawing last night and began asking questions about it.

She asked why the "happy ladies" (the purple pregnant women) weren't looking at the green lady. She pointed to the green lady at the bottom of the stairs and said "she's happy". Then she pointed to the next green lady and said "she's a little happy". Then she said, "all the other green ladies are sad". I asked her why they were sad. "I don't know". I asked her about the ladies drawn in black. "I don't like them." I asked her why. "They're different. They're not right." Then she pointed to the "black pit" and said, "I don't like that either. I can't see the lady."

My daughter, this sweet 3-year-old little girl who was cut from my womb, asked all the right questions.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleeep

2008-02-13T12:39:00.001-06:00

Two years ago, my family suffered a deep loss. On December 28, 2005 my then 15 year old sister was 38 weeks pregnant with her first child, Izaiah. We all had a wonderful Christmas together. I still cherish the photos I have of my then 11 month old daughter sitting on L's very pregnant belly.

The morning of the 28th my mother called to ask me if I could take L to the doctor because she said she hadn't felt Izaiah move in about a day. No one thought it was a big deal... at 38 weeks there's just not a whole lot of room for the baby to move. I left my daughter at home with my husband's mother and took my sister to the doctor.

We had to wait a long time in the waiting room and L began to complain about the wait. I leaned over and said to her, "Well this is good. If they thought something was really wrong with Izaiah they would have taken you back by now". Every time I think of what I said, it makes me ill. Of course I couldn't have known what was about to happen, but I just can't get over it.

So we get back into the exam room and the doctor comes in and does an internal exam. Everything looks good. He pulls out this little rinky-dink ultrasound machine and takes a quick look. Then he sends us across the hall to the "real" ultrasound machine. The technician puts the wand on L's belly and looks at Izaiah. I noticed right away that there wasn't any movement, but I thought maybe she had frozen the frame for a measurement or something. Then she lays the want down, turns the machine off and tells us the doctor will be right in and leaves the room.

That's when I knew that Izaiah was gone. I got up and stood by L and took her hand. I didn't tell her what I knew, and instead we just chatted for awhile about who she thought he would look like and how big we thought he might be. To this day I still wonder if I should have been the one to tell L that Izaiah's little soul had passed. It seemed so utterly cruel to stand there, holding her hand and listening as she made plans for his life, when in my mind I was wondering how to help her grieve his death.

Then the doctor comes into the room and tells us what I already knew. Izaiah was gone. L cradled her belly in her arms and cried, "but we were so close!!" I have many bones to pick with this particular OB (and I'm glad he's no longer practicing), but at that moment I couldn't imagine being in his shoes and having to tell a 15 year old girl that her baby, due in just 2 weeks, had died.

Mercifully, he allowed us to go out the back exit, so L wouldn't have to walk past all those round bellies still glowing with live babies. This didn't save L from the pitying stares of the office staff and nurses who were clearly thinking, "Well, it's for the best. She was too young to have a baby anyway."

On the drive home, L and I discussed what she would like to do. She could go home and wait for labor to begin on its own (while monitoring for signs of infection) or she could go to the hospital and have her labor induced. She decided on induction. We didn't know how long Izaiah had been gone and she wanted him to look as much like "himself" as possible when he was born, and (understandably) she just wanted to get the inevitable over with.

It was a tough labor. She was in immense pain and it was terrible to watch a young mother suffer so much for a baby who had already passed. I couldn't imagine carrying something dead in my body, but as we would learn later that evening, L didn't consider Izaiah to be dead. She held hope in her heart that he was alive. She refused an epidural until the pain was so bad she didn't have it in her to say no. When I think about it now, I'm sure she relished the physical pain as the only way to dull her emotional pain. At just 4cm, she began to have contractions one right on top of another, and had to cope for about an hour of that before she was able to get an epidural.

Izaiah was born at 10:27 p.m. (the same time my daughter was). She actually had a cord prolapse, but it wasn't such an emergency since there wasn't a live baby. The doctor placed Izaiah's precious, lifeless body on L's chest, she cradled him close to her chest, leaned her head back and wailed. I've never heard a sound like that and I imagine it's the sound only a grieving mother can make for her lost child. I pray that a similar sound never moves past my lips, but if I could have reversed her situation with mine I would have.

He was 8lbs. Even though she suffered HG like I did, even though she was just 15 (14 when she conceived)... she took good care of him and he was a big, healthy looking boy. She was gracious enough to allow each of her sisters to hold her son. He was so soft and limp. And handsome.

The photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep took so many beautiful pictures for L. She was a blessing to our family.

In the days following there were many (well-meaning) people who tried to tell L that it was "for the best." But she was still a mother who lost her child and I know that given the choice she'd rather be a struggling teen mother than a mother of a stillborn baby.

We don't know why Izaiah died. L declined an autopsy. It's just as well though. Would knowing why he died bring him back?

And then, just 8 weeks later... my son was conceived. Though L never said anything to me about it, sometimes I sensed that she felt the Lord had taken her son away from her and given him to me. I felt that way sometimes, too.

If you have a strong heart, you can scroll to the bottom of this post to see pictures of L and Izaiah.

L and my daughter, just two days before Izaiah died

This photo needs no words

Et tu, Brute?

2008-02-12T10:54:00.000-06:00

If you don’t believe that “normal birth” and birth options in this country are at risk, watch this:

1. In 2006, the cesarean rate in the United States was 31.1%. That is approximately 1 in 3 babies being surgically removed from their mothers' bodies.

2. So, now we have hundreds of thousands of childbearing women with scars on their uteri. What are their choices for subsequent births?

3. (a) hospital repeat cesarean
(b) hospital vbac
(c) home vbac (with midwife)
(d) birth center vbac (with midwife)
(e) UC (unassisted childbirth, though I’m including in this category births attended at home by unlicensed or “illegal” midwives)

5. Looking at the list, it would seem that there are many birth options in the United States for women with a previous cesarean surgery. However, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) released a statement this month that condemns home birth as a safe and viable option for any childbearing mother, let alone mothers with a history of cesarean surgery. So, this is going to lead to an increase in obstetricians who are unwilling to provide back-up services to homebirth midwives. In many states, a homebirth midwife cannot accept a vbac client unless she has a back-up obstetrician. We can scratch (c) off the list.

6. Also this month, the American Association of Birth Centers (AABC) released a statement saying that because of the minute risks involved in vbac, they can no longer support vbacs being attended in birth centers. We can scratch (d) off the list.

7. All across this country, hospitals are “banning” vbacs and obstetricians are refusing to attend vbacs. As this trend gains popularity (meaning: if women don’t fight against it), there will eventually be no hospital or obstetrician in this country who supports vbac. We can scratch (b) off the list.

8. Now, mothers with cesarean scars have two choices: undergo a repeat cesarean surgery at a hospital or have an unattended birth at home. Cesarean surgery presents the mother with many of the same risks as vaginal childbirth and compounds those risks with the added risks of major abdominal surgery.

I do not mean here to portray UC as a dangerous or reckless choice for the childbearing woman. To the contrary, it can be a safe, fulfilling and joyous experience for a woman who chooses UC. However, if a mother is stripped of all her other rights and choices and is forced into a UC (or otherwise face unnecessary surgery), this is not the mother’s choice. Just because UC may not be “right” for a woman doesn’t mean that another cesarean is right for her.

So, it would seem as if we don’t have as many options as we think we do.
What are you going to do about it?

ACOG's "strategic plan"

2008-02-08T14:22:00.000-06:00

From ACOG’s “strategic plan”

http://www.acog.org/from_home/ACOGStrategicPlan.pdf

ACOG will advocate for women’s health by promoting:

• Patient safety and confidentiality initiatives, including integration of IM/IT

‘Patient safety’? Really? So you’re promoting major abdominal surgery as a means to ‘patient safety’?

• Access to medical care

As long as the patient agrees to the type/kind/duration of medical care you push on her though, right?

• Women’s reproductive rights

Except the right to choose type of care provider (midwife, OB, self), place of birth (home, birth center, hospital) or method of birth (vaginal or vbac… of course we are always free to choose a c-section for any ol’ reason).

• Equity, nondiscrimination and cultural sensitivity

Is that why the cesarean rate in minority communities is growing at such a rapid rate?

• Partnerships and alliances with women, women’s groups, and others interested in women’s health

Midwives are “women’s groups” and I am a woman and an “other” interested in women’s health. Yet instead of partnering with us you mock us and call us fools for seeking the kind of care we feel is safe and appropriate for our needs and our families.

• Advocacy education and training

Exactly what does this “education and training” consist of? Do you offer classes and pamphlets on “How to Bully a Patient into a Cesarean” and “Top 5 most proven ways to make a mother feel that she’s going to kill her baby”?

• Research, research funding, and evidence-based practice

First of all, you skew the findings in your “research” and second, if you truly practiced “evidence-based” care the cesarean rate in this country would not be over 30%.

• Patient and public education

Education? I think the word you’re looking for is “indoctrination”. Or perhaps brainwashing.

• Public health and global outreach

Oh, no! We need to save the world from ACOG’s “global outreach”. If we don’t, they’ll be slicing women from here to Timbuktu!

What do I think about ACOG's homebirth statement?

2008-02-07T18:24:00.000-06:00

" Shoo fly, don't bother me! "